Fourteenth Century Man
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE! A parody of A Knights Tale
1. Goodnight, Sir Knight

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "That's because I'm dead. Dead as a can of spam"

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Oooh a new parody, this one of 'A Knight's Tale'. I know, I know, there are still 3 of my older parodies awaiting to be re-written, but I couldn't resist wirting this new one first, it's a STORGE! Oh, yes, I finally made a Storge parody! You **FOXY** lady.

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ACT 1 – Goodnight, Sir Knight

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Hank appears in a randomly thrown together set of a forest, a directors cap on his head at a jaunty angle. He opens up a book and clears his throat.

"Whillom, as olde stories tellen us", he reads, "There was a Duke that highte Theseus"

He smiles at the camera.

"And thus begins the classic story, 'The Knight's Tale', by Geoffrey Chaucer", he says, "of course, Todd Fan has only got to these two lines before losing her interest completely in it"

He sighs, tossing the book over his shoulder.

"So she said 'bugger it' and decided to parody the movie instead".

He clears his throat, reading from the appropriately placed subtitles.

"In medieval times a sport arose", he reads, "Embraced by noble and peasant fans alike, though only noble knights could compete. The sport was jousting"

We open to see random knights jousting.

"Now as seen as horses are a big thing in this parody, we needed two panto horses", says Hank, "so along with Jott, we have a new horsey, called Lancitty"

"Well…this sucks", says Lance the horse head.

"Yeah", says Kitty, the horse rear, "the only reason the horse isn't Romy is because Todd Fan needs someone who is slightly French"

"Qui qui", grins Remy offstage

One knight, with suspiciously large wings sticking out of the back of his armour, gets knocked off his horse, falling to the ground with a thud.

"Owww", groans Warren.

Hank ignores him, going back to reading the subtitles.

"For one of these knights, an over-the-hill former champion, it was the end"

"I'm not over-the-hill", protests Warren from the floor, "I'm only twenty two!"

Hank steps on a wing, causing Warren to whimper, before he continues to read.

"But for his peasant squire, Forge, it was merely the beginning"

We open now on Warren, who is very, very still, and propped up against a tree, still in his armour.

"Should we help him?", we hear Forge ask someone, "He's due in the lists in two minutes. Two minutes or forfeit"

We see that Forge and Freddy are standing a little away from Warren. Forge has two pieces of cloth stuck up either nostril.

"That's attractive", snorts Hank.

"Lend us those", says Freddy, then grimaces, "ewwww, do I have to. Who knows **what** this hippie's had up his nose?"

"Hey!", says Forge, "I'll have you know that my nostrils are very clean….I smoked things in the seventies, not snorted"

Forge takes out his nose plugs and hands them to Freddy.

"Right. Left", he says, nodding at each in turn.

Freddy grimaces, before plugging his nose, walking down the hill over to Warren. He puts his hand in front of Warren's face, waiting. After a few seconds, he closes Warren's visor and looks at Forge.

"Dead"

Forge blinks at him.

"Eh?"

Suddenly, Todd walks up, grinning happily.

"'Aint it fun pretendin' ta be British? Actually, I'm the only one that's supposed ta be British", he says, "…until Evo screwed it up. I coulda got tons more chicks with a British accent, yo"

"Just say your line, Toad", sighs Hank.

"Three scores ta none after two lances", says Todd, "all Sir Warren needs ta do is not fall off his horse an' we won"

He pauses at the stink.

"Oh, man, that 'aint me, I swear!", he says.

"For once", mutters Freddy, then looks at Todd, "he's dead"

Todd blinks.

"What do ya mean 'dead'?", he asks.

"Is there any other meaning to 'dead'?", asks Forge.

"The spark of his life is smothered in shite", says Freddy, "his spirit is gone, but his stench remains. Does that answer your question?"

"…Oh…good one", says Hank with a nod.

Todd whimpers, running towards Warren.

"No, no, no, no, no", he says, "no, he sleeps. Rouse him. Coool, fourteenth century, speak..ith"

"Stop mocking the language!", growls Hank, "or Todd Fan will make you read form the book"

Todd looks between Freddy and Forge.

"We're minutes from victory", he pleads, "**I HAVEN'T EATEN IN THREE DAYS!"**

It appears Todd's character has rage difficulties.

"None of us have, Todd", shouts Forge

"We need to fetch a priest", says Freddy, getting up.

"No, he's not dead!", shouts Todd, storming over to Warren's 'corpse', beginning to shake it, "wake up! Come on, huh? **COME ON!**"

He bangs on the roof of the helmet, before snapping and starting it kick him.

"Extra strong legs…hurt", whimpers Warren.

"Shut up and be dead!", snaps Hank.

"Come on!", screams Todd as he continues to beat up the corpse, "**You manky git! You was never a good jouster an' now you're DEAD!**"

"Freddy", says Forge as they get to the top of the hill again leaving Todd to his 'rage'.

Freddy follows Todd's line of vision to where Evan rides up on Lancitty.

"Hey, squire", he says, "Sir Warren must report at once or forfeit the match"

"Spikes hurt, spikes hurt", whimpers Kitty.

"Oh he's…", starts Freddy.

"He's on his way", interrupts Forge

Evan looks behind them where Todd is violently throwing Warren's 'corpse' around.

"**I haven't eaten in thee days**!", he screams, "**Three days**! What did **you** eat?"

Freddy and Forge smile pleasantly at Evan, who arches a brow.

"…Okey dokey then", says Evan, riding off back to the stadium.

Once he has gone, Freddy turns to glare at Forge.

"I'll ride in his place", says Forge with a nod.

"**You worthless, stinkin'**..", carries on Todd, jumping up and down on Warren.

"At least he's being quiet about it now", says Hank.

"Strip is armour", says Forge, heading towards Todd, "I'm riding in his place"

He sighs, trying to pull Todd off Warren.

"Stop kicking him", says Forge, "take a chill pill"

"This is the fourteenth century, not the seventies", growls Hank, "you speak properly, or I'll break an important body part"

Forge glares at Hank, then sighs.

"Calm down", he says, "I'm riding in his place. Help me, please"

As Forge goes about taking off Warren's armour, Freddy shakes his head.

"What's your name, Forge?", he asks.

"You just answered that for him", says Todd helpfully.

Forge carries on, taking off the armour, ignoring him.

"I'm asking you, Forge Thatcher", says Freddy, "to answer me with your name"

"….Wait.. I don't have a surname", says Forge.

"You do now", says Hank, "**Mozoltov**!"

Forge gives Freddy a glare, before continuing to take Warren's armour off with Todd.

"…..That sounds kinky", giggles Hank.

"Please, I don't need the nightmares", says Todd.

"It's not **Sir** Forge", continues Freddy, "It's not Count, or Duke, or Earl Forge. It's certainly not King Forge"

"I'm aware of that", says Forge as he starts to up on the armour padding, "it would be so cool to be King Forge. I'd call my Kingdom: Groovy Land, and everyone would have to wear jumpsuits and disco every Saturday night"

"You have to be of noble birth to compete!", protests Freddy.

"A detail", says Forge, "The landscape is food. Do you want to eat or don't you?"

"….That's a very stupid question to ask me", says Freddy pointedly, "if the nobles find out who you are, there'll be the devil to pay!"

"They prey that they don't", smirks Forge

"Annnd cut", says Hank, "great work people, Warren, you can stop being dead now"

……….

"Warren?", Hank blinks, walking over to give Warren, now in his underwear, a poke, "Angel?"

………

"…Oh…dear", Hank gives a nervous laugh, "medic! Come on, Warren, we need you for a later scene!"

"I mighta kicked him a teensy weensy bit too hard", admits Todd.

Hank glares at him as Warren is dragged off to the med ward.

"..You're on my list, Frog-Boy"

"Every time a chicken clucks an angel gets it's wings", slurs Warren on his stretcher.

**&&&&&&**

Yes, I really do own 'The Canterbury Tales', and though I can usually read anything, this one goes a little past me. One day I'll get through it…maybe. So, there we go. Do review. Until next time…


	2. First jousting

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This film **DARES** you to watch it"

**&&&&**

Rurouni Tyriel – Why Forge? You mean besides the foxy lady comment and the discoesque dancing? (grins)

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ACT 2 – First joust

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We open on a stadium full of random people, all stamping their feet to a beat which sounds oddly familiar. Very much like a certain Queen anthem, actually, which is odd, this being the 14th Century, and all.

"Someone's been screwing with time on this one", mutters Hank.

The crowd ignore him, suddenly, Bobby randomly jumps up with a microphone.

"….Oh dear God, no", groans Hank, as Bobby begins to sing, "and Todd Fan couldn't find someone else's name that just happened to be 'Robert'?"

**Buddy, you're a boy making big noise**

**Playing in the street gonna be a big man someday**

**You got mud on your face, you big disgrace**

**Kicking your can all over the place**

"**SINIGNG!", **shoutsBobby, pointing at the crowd, who also begin to sing.

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

"They're using my son", cries Lance, from where Façade is sitting on Lancitty.

"It's my song now, loser", grins Bobby as he entertains the crowd.

**Buddy, you're a young man, **

**Hard man shouting in the street**

**You're gonna take on the world someday**

**You got blood on your face you big disgrace**

**Waving your banner all over the place**

The crowd cheers, then goes back to their singing.

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

As the crowd continues to sing, Ray, in a Lords costume sighs boredly.

"At least I'm a Lord", he mutters, and glances either side of him, "and have Scaleface and Cybelle either side of me. Hot chicks, made to order"

"You'll be sleeping on the cough if you don't shut up", growls Scaleface.

Bobby grins, obviously enjoying the role he has been given as he dances along in front of the crowd.

**Buddy, your an old man**

**Poor man pleading with your eyes**

**Gonna make you some peace someday**

**You got mud on your face you big disgrace**

**Somebody better put you back into your place.**

"SING IT!", he shouts

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

**Buddy you're a young man**

**Hard man shouting in the street**

**You're gonna take on the world someday**

**You got blood on your face you big disgrace**

**Waving your banner all over the place**

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

_**We will, we will ROCK YOU!**_

As Scaleface and Cybelle clap, Ray makes a half-arsed attempt at singing, before deciding to go back to being Lordy.

As the crowd keeping singing about rocking and the like, Forge rides to the entrance of the stadium on Jott, squirming about in armour way too big for him. Todd and Freddy walk along side him, neither looking that sure.

"We're gonna die, yo, we're gonna die!", says Todd.

"Visor!", says Freddy.

Forge sighs, pulling the visor over his face, so no one can see him.

"Come on, we're late", says Todd, "unless ya can't hear the ragin' crowd"

A rocking guitar solo comes from.. somewhere as Forge enters the arena, the crowd cheering. No one seems to notice the fact that 'Sir Warren' no longer has wings. The music stops and Evan steps forward.

"The score stands at thee lances to none, in favour of Sir Warren", he says, "Lord Façade of Aragon, stand you ready?"

Façade, who doesn't speak, simply raises his lance.

"Pardon?", asks Lance.

"This is going to get…complicated", sighs Hank.

Evan nods and turns to Forge.

"Sir Warren, stand you ready?"

Forge raises his lance, while Todd and Freddy shuffle around, pretending everything is normal.

"Ready?", asks Todd.

"Of course", says Forge, "I've tilted against Sir Warren many times, you know, that sounded…wrong"

"In practise lists, as his target", says Todd, "You were never allowed to strike him"

"Badger me not with details", says Forge.

"…Huh?", asks Todd.

"The landscape, then", says Freddy, "stay on the horse"

"That would be a tragedy if he fell off", grumbles Jean.

"Yes.. a tragedy", giggles Scott.

"He needs three points, so a broken lance won't win it", says Freddy, "he has to knock you off"

"I know how to score, Freddy", says Forge, "I've waited my whole life for this moment"

"You've waited your whole life for Sir Warren to shite himself to death?", asks Todd

Freddy shakes his head at him, looking away.

"Huh!", says Todd.

The crowd begins to chant 'Warren', as Rogue, who is given the job of official flag-waver-person, waves her flag.

"Oh.. goodie", mutters Rogue.

Façade and Forge charge forwards on Jott and Lancitty respectively as the crowd cheers. Forge struggles with holding the lance right.

"Get it in the cradle", Freddy says under his breath, "get it in the cradle"

"**Get it in the cradle!"**, screams Todd

Forge manages to do so at the last minutes, just as he and Façade meet. Forge gets it right in the face, and slumps on Jott.

"Look 'ma…stars", he giggles

As Todd cheers 'yeah' repeatedly, running over, Freddy tries to right Forge on the saddle.

"Forge, are you alright?", he asks.

"Why are you asking him?", asks Jean, "we were doing all the running"

"Yeah, that's hard!", says Scott.

"Forge, can you hear me?", asks Freddy.

"We won! We won!", laughs Todd, hugging Freddy.

"For…get off me", Freddy glares at Todd, before going back to Forge, "Did you hear me, Forge?"

Todd, still delighted, rushes forward and kissing Jott's nose.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!", says Scott, "Toad spit!"

"**WE WON**!", screams Todd

"We get the picture", says Hank.

"Ugh", says Forge as Todd smacks him on the arm.

"He's breathin! He's breathing!", says Freddy.

Laughing like idiots, Todd and Freddy bounce around as Forge holds his head.

"Oww", he says, "no..screaming"

A little while later, we see Ray standing with Scaleface, who has a golden feather on a pillow.

"Hey, that's one of **my** feathers", says Warren from backstage, "spray painted gold!"

"Well..yeah", said Hank, "I took it off you while you were getting resuscitated"

"Sir Warren", says Ray.

Forge, who's helmet is completely dented in, turns his head in the opposite direction to Ray, who looks confusedly at Evan. Evan nods, stepping forwards.

"Sir Warren, remove your helmet", he says.

Freddy and Todd give each other a 'oh crap' look.

"Uh…my Lord", says Forge, trying to imitate Warren's voice, "I am afraid the final blow of the lance has bent it onto my head"

He gives it a tap to prove it, Todd looks over at them.

"Yeah", he says, "he says the final blow of the…"

Todd is cut off as Forge smacks him in the stomach, having pretty good aim for someone with a piece of metal wrapped around his head. Todd gives him a glare before Evan speaks up.

"I present your champion, My Lord"

"Oh, I love that", giggles Ray.

The crowd cheers as Ray takes the pillow form Scaleface and walks over to Forge. Forge does nothing, as he can't actually see the pillow…or Ray. Freddy helpfully grabs Forges arm, leading him to the pillow. Forge finally manages to get the feather and holds it up in the air, inciting more crowd cheering.

"That's really echoing in my head with this helmet", mutters Forge

Ray claps, then looks at Scaleface, shaking his head,

"I know, they are all nuts, aren't they?", says Hank.

A little while later in the woods, Freddy is bartering the golden feather with Gauntlet.

"Twenty", says Freddy

"No, ten", barters Gauntlet

"Fifteen?", tries Freddy.

"Fifteen for a gold feather?", Gauntlet shakes his head, "fine, done…daylight robbery, I tell you"

"Very good, cheers", says Freddy, taking the money and handing the feather to Gauntlet.

Freddy heads over to Forge and Todd, sharing out the coins.

"Fifteen silver florins. He didn't want that", he grumbles, tossing Todd the cushion.

"What the heck's a 'florin'?", asks Todd, blinking.

Freddy ignores him, sharing out the florins.

"That's five for Forge, five for Todd", he says, "and five for Freddy who's going straight home to Bayville"

"Straight to the pub for me, yo", grins Todd, then sighs, fantasising his meal, "veal pie, brie tart, tansy cakes with peppermint cream…"

"Ewww", says Forge, "even for you that's just…eww"

As Freddy and Todd pack up the cart, Forge looks in a thoughfull manner.

"God help us all", mutters Hank, "usually when he does that, an 'experiment' is due and someone will end up with a broken something"

"We could do this", says Forge suddenly.

"Do it?", asks Freddy, "we've done it boy"

"I'm older than you by over two decades", says Forge.

"In this parody, Freddy is older", says Hank, "so just get over it"

"That's silver in your hand", points out Freddy.

"No, I mean we could do **this**", says Forge, "we can be champions"

Freddy and Todd look at him blankly.

"Give us your coins", says Forge suddenly, getting a 'you've gone off your rocker' look from his companions, "now come on, give me your coins"

They sigh, reluctantly giving him their handful of coins.

"Right", says Forge, taking them and handing a small few back, "that's one for you, and one for you, which leaves thirteen. That's thirteen for training and outfitting. Now, the tournament in Rouen is in a month from now. In one month, we could split a prize bigger than this one. In one month, we could be on our way to glory and riches none of us ever dreamed of"

Neither seem too impressed with his awe-inspiring speech.

"In one month", points out Freddy, "we could be laid in a ditch with Sir Warren. I don't want glory and riches, Forge, I just want to go home"

"Tansy cakes with peppermint cream", rants Todd, obviously not finding much else to contribute to the conversation, "dilled veal balls with squash fritters. I'll take my five now!"

Forge blinks at them, before starting to stride ahead of them down the road. Freddy and Todd groan, running after him.

"Wait up!", shouts Todd, "you're goin' the wrong way!...Ya stupid hippie!"

Forge sighs, stopping, letting them catch up.

"But you can't even joust", protests Freddy.

"Most of it is the guys to take a blow, to strike one", says Forge, "guts I have! An technique? I have a month to learn that. Besides, the sword. Name a man better with a sword than I"

"….Anyone", mutters Todd, "In the practise ring"

"You're not of noble birth", says Freddy.

"So, we lie", says Forge with a shrug, "how did the nobles become noble in the first place, huh?"

"I don't know", quips Todd, "let's go ask Warren. Oh wait, we can't, he's dead"

Forge shakes his head at them, mimicking a sword in his hands.

"They took it, at the tip of a sword. I'll do it with a lance"

"No, you won't!", says Lance from backstage, "not before I've spoken to my lawyer"

"A **blunted** lance", points out Todd.

"What you say about me, stink ball?", asks Lance.

"Shut up Lance!", snaps Hank.

"No matter, Todd!", says Forge, "A man can change his stars, and I won't spend the rest of my life as nothing"

"Wow, you have a lot of awe inspiring speeches in this parody", muses Hank, "more than Xavier has ever had"

Freddy shakes his head, pointing to a set of conveniently placed gallows, where a dead Black Eagle is dangling…being dead.

"**That** is nothing", says Freddy, "and nothing is right where glory will take us"

"We're the sons of peasants, yo", says Todd, "Glory an' riches an' stars are beyond our grasp, but a full stomach, that dream can come true"

Forge looks at them both, then walks ahead, turning, holding out his closed fists, the money shares between each.

"If you can take your coins, go to Bayville, eat cake", he says, "But if you can't, you come with me"

Freddy and Todd blink at each other, not moving. Forge grins, letting his guard down.

"You see?", he smirks, "bread…err.. money doesn't matter"

As soon as Forge opens his palms, Freddy and Todd rush him, making Forge yell in surprise, closing his fists again. Freddy tackles him to the ground as Todd tries to pry open his hand. Being unable to do this, Todd resorts to biting Forge's hand…his real hand.

"Owwww!", screams Forge, "my only hand, dude. Aww, man, now it's covered in Toad slime, major bummer"

"You see how hungry I am?", screams Todd, trying to contain THE RAGE, "**do you?**"

"Damn your stomach, Todd", snaps Forge, nursing his injured hand.

Freddy, finding this hilarious, starts laughing. Forge blinks, looking at him.

"Freddy please", he says, "For thirteen silver pieces, three men can change their stars"

Freddy frowns, considering this, before giving a defeated sigh.

"God love you, Forge".

"I know I know", grins Forge, kissing his cheek, "No one else will"

"….Don't kiss me", says Freddy, backing away as Forge grins in a happy maniacal manner.

**&&&&&&**

And there's act two done for the count, wee! Do review. Until next time…


	3. Training and trudging

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him".

**&&&&**

ACT 3 – Training and trudging

**&&&&**

We open in the deep woodland, where Forge has resorted to training. He is riding on Jott, holding his lance.

"Great, we get to be ridden again", mutters Scott, "this sucks"

As Jott runs past the home-made target, Forge misses the thing by miles as Todd and Freddy watch. Forge misses again, and again, and again.

"Unlucky", calls Freddy.

"I think he's getting worse", Todd mutters under his breath.

"He is getting worse", mutters Freddy.

Meanwhile, Bobby has returned with his microphone to sing in the background.

"Why?", cries Hank, "why?"

"Because I happen to have a very nice voice, so there", says Bobby.

**The low rider is a little higher**

This time, Forge hits the target, but the weighted sandbag on the other side spins around, smacking him on the head with a solid thunk, knocking him off Jott.

"Oww", groans Forge from the floor, "look, 'ma, birdies"

We cut to in front of a cave, where Forge and Freddy are duelling with stick swords. As Freddy is knocked away, Todd attacks with **THE RAGE**. Forge easily knocks him to the ground, pointing the tip of the 'sword at his throat'.

"Switch", mutters Todd, "and that was a lucky shot, yo"

We cut to Forge jousting on Jott. This time, however, Todd is holding up the target, his eyes screwed shut.

"Glory an' riches, glory and' riches, glory an' riches", he chants to himself in a whimper.

Before Forge gets near him, however, Todd gives his trademark girlie scream and hops out of the way.

**Low rider**

**Ride a little slower**

This time, Freddy forcibly pushes Todd back into position, holding him in place as Forge charges towards him. Todd gives a girlie scream, dropping the target…right onto Freddy's foot.

**Low rider**

**Get a little lower**

Freddy's eyes widen as he winces, holding his foot…pretending he's not invulnerable for once.

"You see how dangerous it is?", says Todd.

"I'll show you danger, you idiot", mutters Freddy.

We cut to where Forge is standing on the cart, holding his lance as Freddy and Todd pull it.

"Faster", says Forge, "faster, Freddy"

"I'm not Scott and Jean, you know", grumbles Freddy.

"Use those legs", shouts Forge, happy in his position of power, "Come on, Freddy, faster!"

They charge up to a little ring, which is tied on a piece of wire between two trees. As usual, Forge misses it by miles as they shoot past. After pull the cart, all three look up at the little ring.

"You missed it", says Todd.

"You've missed it dozens of times", mutters Freddy, a little worn out by all the physical excursion

"Well, I guess that means we should do it again", says Forge, then smirks, picking up some grass, making clicking noises with his tongue, "come on. Come on ponies"

"Fong him", says Freddy, "I don't know what it means, but I hope it's painful"

Todd nods in agreement as they run after him. We move to Forge, in his armour, riding in a boat on the river, holding out his lance. On either side of the bank, Freddy and Todd pull him towards his ring on a wire, this time overhanging the river.

"Faster, faster", says Freddy, "balance"

"No, no, no", says Forge, "slower, slower, keep it steady..I don't want to die"

Amazingly, Forge gets his lance through the tiny little ring. He cheers in victory, Freddy and Todd still going without realising.

"I got it, I got it!", grins Forge, "look, I got it, I got it!"

Suddenly, the wire pushes against the lance, topping Forge into the river. Freddy and Todd laugh, looking down at the water, waiting for Forge to resurface. …He doesn't.

"Any minute now", says Freddy with a chuckle.

…A few bubbles appear from the water.

"Good god, don't let Forge die!", screams Hank, "Todd Fan will murder me if something happens to Forge!"

"Oh", blinks Todd as a the bubbles stop.

A while later, Forge having been fished out of the river, deciding not to go near water in full armour again, is having another stick-sword fight with Freddy and Todd.

**Take a little trip**

**Take a little trip**

**Take a little trip and see**

**Take a little trip**

**Take a little trip**

**Take a little trip with me**

Showing amazing sword skills, Fore knocks Freddy down, and sends Todd stumbling over him.

"I am the king!", grins Forge.

We go back to the old jousting training doohickey, this time, Forge hitting the target every time. After all the training is done, the three are heading off down the road, Forge sitting on Jott's back.

"It's my turn ta ride", pipes up Todd.

"I don't want you on my back, you stinky thing, you", sniffs Jean.

"No, we haven't reached the mile marker yet", says Forge, "and I'm not sure you should. Suppose we pass another knight. How would it look if my squire rode while I walked?"

"**I DON'T GIVE A WITCH'S TIT!**", screams Todd, then pauses, "..unless it's Wanda's"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that", says Wanda from backstage.

"Yes, snookums, sorry", whimpers Todd, then glares at Forge, "It's my turn. It's my turn!"

"Hey, hey, hey", says Freddy, "Look, maybe nobody should be riding. The horse is not what he used to be and we need him right?"

"I'm not sure whether to be touched or hurt by that comment", says Jean.

"I'm mildly insulted", says Scott.

Suddenly, Kurt appears from nowhere, walking between them….a naked Kurt.

"Every fangirl's dream", says Hank.

"I'm feeling very exposed", murmurs Kurt

"Too bad", grins Hank

Freddy, Todd and Forge pause, blinking as the naked elf passes by.

"Morning", says Kurt cheerfully.

"Hey…sir", blinks Forge, everyone trying to avert their eyes.

Kurt blinks, turning around to look at them.

"…What are you doing?", asks Forge.

"Uh…trudging", says Kurt, "You know, trudging. To trudge. To trudge: the slow, veary depressing yet determined valk of a man vho has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on"

"….Had a bad day, have ya, Nightcreeper?", asks Todd.

"Were you robbed?", asks Forge

"Uh.. interesting question actually", chuckled Kurt, "Yes. And then at the same time, a huge, resounding no. It's more a sort of involuntary vow of poverty, really"

"..I knew it wouldn't be long before he went off the deep end", whispers Freddy, "it's all in genetics"

"But, you know, on the brighter side", says Kurt, "trudging does represent pride. Pride, resolve, and faith in the good Lord Almighty"

Kurt gives a sudden depressing sigh.

"Please Christ, rescue me from my current tribul…OW!"

Kurt hops on one foot, having stood on a thorn. The three pauses to watch as he removed the torn with his mouth.

"…Eww, my feet taste awful", says Kurt.

"Who are you?", asks Freddy.

"Lilim inter spinas", says Kurt, spitting out the thorn, "The lily among the thorns. Kurt Vagner's the name, vriting's the game"

Everyone pauses to blink at him. Kurt looks at them, having expected a bit of a different reaction.

"Vagner. Kurt Vagner. The vriter?"

"A what?", asks Todd.

Kurt blinks at him.

"You really are stupid", he says, "'A vhat?". A vriter! You know, I vrite vith ink and parchment. For a penny, I'll scribble you anything you vant, from summonses, decrees, edicts, varrants, patents of nobility"

Todd Freddy and Forge blink at him at this.

"I've even been known to jot down a poem to two if the muse descends", says Kurt, "You've probably read my book, 'The Book of the Duchess'"

He gets another set of blank stares.

"It's sad, really", says Hank, "incidentally, Kurt is playing the role of Chaucer, the man who created the story in the first place…if you're slow to catch on"

"Fine", sighs Kurt, "well, it vas allegorical"

"We won't hold that against you", says Freddy, "that's for each man to decide for himself"

"What?", asks Todd, "what does he mean?"

"A symbolic story or poem…twit", says Hank.

"Did you say patents of nobility?", asks Forge

Kurt blinks at him, then smirks.

"Yes, that's right, I did", he says, "and you gentlemen are?...For lack of a better term"

"Well…" Forge pauses, "Well, I'm Sir Forgeich Von Lichtenstein from Gelderland. And these here are my faithful squires", he points at Freddy, "Freds of Dodgington,", and at Todd, "and Toddhurst of Crew"

Kurt blinks at them, before snorting, taking Forge's hand.

"I'm Richard the Lionheart", he giggles, "pleased to meet you. No, vait a minute, I'm Charlemagne. **NO**, I'm saint John the Baptist!"

"All right!", snaps Forge, pulling out a dagger, causing Kurt to squeak and fall on the floor, "hold your tongue sir, or lose it"

"Don't kill me, Forge-'Ol-Buddy-'Ol-Pal", says Kurt with a nervous laugh, "Now, you see, that I do believe, Sir _Forgeich_"

"…Are you making fun of my name?", asks Forge.

"Yes, yes I am", smiles Kurt.

"Thank you, _Kurt_", says Forge, putting his dagger away.

"….Hey, there's nothing vrong vith Kurt!", snaps Kurt.

"Have you any more to say, Master Nude?", asks Freddy, "or having failed your test, may we be on our way?"

The three head off as Kurt sits in the grass.

"Oh, you're off to the tournament, are you?", asks Kurt.

"This is the road to Rouen, isn't it?", snaps Todd.

"Well, you know, that really remains to be seen", says Kurt, "They're limiting the field at Rouen. Noble birth must be established for four generation on either side of the family. Patents of nobility must be provided"

He gives the trio a smug smirk.

"Listen", says Kurt, "Clothe me. Shoe me. For God's sake, feed me. Let me ride that horse a bit and you'll have your patents"

"No", says Todd as the three get in a huddle.

"Patents of nobility", whispers Todd

"We need him", whispers Freddy.

"All right, let me handle him", says Todd.

"Be nice", warns Freddy, "control the rage!"

"Nice, nice, nice", Todd chants to himself as he walks over, crouching next to Kurt, then winces, "please for the love'a God, cover up!"

"Sorry, says Kurt, moving his tail to conceal certain parts of his anatomy.

"All right, betray us", says Todd, "an' I will fong you until your insides are out, your outsides are in. You entrails will become your extrails. I wil re.."

Todd shakes his hands, trying to bite back the anger, explaining exactly what would happen to Kurt.

"All the an..", Todd narrows his eyes, "**pain!**, lots of pain"

"Oh, I am so terrified", mutters Kurt.

"What are extrails?", asks Freddy, "and we still don't know what fonging is"

**&&&&&&**

And another chapter done. Next up, we meet a foxy lady. Do review. Until next time…


	4. A foxy lady

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I guess if you insist on holding on to something from the 60s peace and love beats a Get Smart lunchbox"

**&&&&**

ACT 4 – A foxy lady

**&&&&**

We open in the tournament grounds in Rouen, where Kurt, now fully dressed, even with a snazzy trench coat.

"….Dat's Remy's trench coat!", snaps Remy from backstage.

"Oh, he's only borrowing it", says Hank.

"But he'll get hair in it!", moans Remy, "an' all my t'ievery stuff is in de pockets!"

"…I vondered vhat was jabbing me in the hip", muses Kurt.

"Just get on with it!", snaps Hank.

Kurt smiles pleasantly at Caliban as he announces Forge.

"May I present my Lord Forgeich", he says, "vhose mother's father vas Shilhard von Rechberg, son of the Duke Guelph of Saxony, son of Ghibellines, son of Vendish, the fourth Earl of Brunswick. The same Vendish vho inherited the fief of Luneburg from…"

"That will do, herald", mutters Caliban, "it ssssoundsss like you made all that up"

"Me? Make stuff up?", Kurt looks innocent, "never!...It was Hank"

"It made Todd Fan's spell check have kittens", says Hank proudly.

"Ssssix generationsss issss more than enough", says Caliban, "Ssssshow me the patents"

Kurt smiled, showing Caliban his _forged_ patents.

"Ba-dum-bump!", grins Hank, "Ironically, Forge is very bad at forgery" (1)

"…..Well, I can't be good at **everything** can I?", snaps Forge

Caliban looks over at the patents, then nods.

"Indicate in which eventsss sssshall your Lord Forgeich compete", he hisses.

Kurt grabs the stick-lance and hits two shields, one indicating jousting, the other sword fighting.

"Vouldn't it have been easier to just say that?", sighs Kurt.

Freddy grins from where he is standing with Todd near Lancitty. Todd, however, just scowls.

"Damn fuzzy Elf", he mutters.

"You will first meet Roberto, Lorde DaCosta", announces Caliban.

"Lorde DaCosta", Roberto grins from backstage, "say it again!"

"…..No", says Caliban, "I don't like you"

"Thank you very much", smiles Kurt, walking off after Forge, who is riding on Jott.

"I can't believe it!", grins Forge after they've got a little away, "You did it, Kurt!"

Kurt, however isn't listening. He's too busy watching random people gambling.

"I have to thank you", Forge rambles on, "I didn't think we had a chance"

Kurt finally blinks out of his revere, and looks at Forge.

"Need…..to gamble….", Kurt pauses, "vait, I never needed to gamble before"

From backstage, Gambit coughs out something about a magical trench coat, then shuts up.

"My pleasure, Forge", smiles Kurt, "If you don't mind, I'll stick around and see how things turn out"

"Act as my herald and you'll receive a share of my winnings", says Forge, "….not that I have much of a choice"

"Done", says Kurt, shaking his hand, then bamfing off, "If you don't mind, I've gotta go see a man about a dog"

Forge blinks at the smoke, then shakes his head,

"….Wiggy little elf-boy", he mutters, then pauses, "….do I really have to sing now?"

"Yes", says Hank, "it's in the script, so there"

Forge sighs, muttering under his breath as he rides Jott through the crowd, singing a random song.

**Walking out of Bayville**

**My fortunes for to seek**

**I passed along the Dark Hollow Reservoir**

**It's waters did they reek**

A random person laughs at this.

"We like random people", smiles Hank before poking Forge into singing some more.

'**Twas there I met a pretty lass**

**She said her name was Nell**

He pauses as Storm walks out from a random building, dressed in white. She gives him the sort of look you'd give a dog turd, and walks off.

"….Nice", mutters Forge, "Belle or hell rhymes with Nell"

"Or fell", says Hank.

"Or swell", adds Todd.

"Or tell", says Freddy

"Or…", starts Kurt.

"I know!", snaps Forge.

Because he's a persistent little bugger, Forge follows Storm on Jott, as a random guitar solo sounds up in the background. After much following, Storm is suddenly joined by Dani, both pretending not to notice the person on a panto horse following them, though Storm smirks in an evil fashion.

"….The evil smirk frightens me", whispers Forge.

After even more following, Forge finally gets fed up.

"Would you speak to me?", he asks her, "heeeloooooo"

"Ah, to speak", sighs Storm, as they enter a building, "But sir, my sex are marked by their silence"

"Oh, but I would hear you speak if it cost me my ears", Forge pauses, "hey, lookit that, I **can** be romantic"

"That is well", says Storm, "For I do not want silence in my life"

"……You lost me", says Forge, blinking, "tell me your name"

"It's not Nell", says Storm, "something which you and I have to have a little chat about later, _dear_"

"Not now, people", snaps Hank.

Storm smirks, finally stopping.

"Would you care if I were ugly?", she asks.

"Well, yes", Forge pauses, "I mean no. I mean, if….."

"Open mouth, insert foot", smirks Hank.

"**YOU DESECRATE THE HOUSE OF GOD**!", screams Nick Fury, appearing from nowhere in ceremonial robes, "…these itch, by the way"

Forge blinks and realises he's in a church….on a panto horse.

"We have a right to be here as much as anyone else!", sniffs Jean.

"Yeah", says Scott, "Panto Horse rights!"

"Oh", blinks Forge was people begin to surround him, "Oh"

Storm has a bit of a giggle, obviously enjoying herself.

"Uh…..", Forge quickly hisses under his breath at her, "Tell me your name, woman"

"And what would you do with my name, Sir Hunter?", she asks, "Call me a fox, for that is all I am to you"

"Here it comes", groans Hank.

"A fox?", grins Forge, "Oh, then a fox you shall be until I find your name, my _foxy_ lady"

"….And so we learn how this film became a Storge parody", sighs Hank.

"I can use seventies lingo and be right", Forge grins, "what a happy day"

Forge is chased out of the church by the other church goers as Storm and Dani have a giggling fit.

"He's a handsome hunter, I'll give him that", Storm giggles.

"….Sure…if you say so", says Dani, rolling her eyes.

"Does this not shock you, ladies?", snaps Nick, glaring at them.

The pair look at each other, fighting back another giggling fit.

"Certainly, my Lord", says Storm, "I just….I only laugh just to keep from weeping"

Nick blinks at her before sighing.

"Oh, beauty is such a curse", he says, "Pray your years come swiftly. Pray your beauty fades, that you may better serve God"

"……You don't get a lot of women to sleep with you…do you, Nick?", asks Storm, arching a brow, "and I don't believe in your God"

"Ororo", sighs Hank, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry", says Storm, "Oh, and I do, my Lord. I pray for it all the time"

"And I pray for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken all to myself", says Dani.

Storm sighs, going into the dramatics.

"Why, God, did you curse me with this face?", she says, "Oh, woe, oh woe"

Nick, obviously not catching her sarcasm nods.

"God's will has a purpose", he says, offering her his hand to kiss, "but we may not know it"

Storm, not catching on, takes his hand and looks at the ring on it.

"Oh, that is lovely!", she smiles.

Nick glares at her, taking his hand away, before walking off, singing in Latin. Storm and Dani watch him go, before collapsing in another fit of giggles.

"….You guys giggle an awful lot", mutters Hank.

**&&&&**

(1) – This is true, as proven in the Mystique comics.

And there you go, more madness added to the mix! Yes, it was the Foxy Lady comment that made me make this into a Storge. Bad me. Do review, until next time…


	5. A gambling problem

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen"

**&&&&& **

ACT 5 – A gambling problem

**&&&&&**

We open on the jousting arena, where Forge wins…again.

"I like to win", smiles Forge, "I almost never win in anything physical"

Todd and Freddy cheer and race to greet him.

"Sssssir Forgeich von Lichesnstien", announces Caliban, "defeatssss Roberto, Lorde DaCosta one lance to none"

"No he didn't", says Roberto from the floor, "I let him win!...my spleen hurts"

"Easy boys", smirks Forge as Todd and Freddy bounce around, "they're likely to think it's the first time I've broken a lance"

"But it is, Forge, it is!", says Todd, punching him in his arm…his metal arm, "**OWW!**"

Forge ignores Todd as he nurses his possibly broken hand.

"Sir Forgeich's broken thousands of lances", he says.

"Modest about our fictional character, aren't we?", asks Hank.

"Come, on 'master of a thousand lances'", says Freddy.

"A thousand Lances would be **so** hot", sighs Kitty from backstage.

"This running joke is getting on my nerves", growls Hank.

""You're due in the sword ring in two minutes", says Freddy, pushing Forge along.

"But my armours loose!", protests Forge.

We shift to a little later, where Freddy and Todd (with unhidden glee) are battering Forge's armoured chest, trying to make it more 'snug'. Forge gives them a glare, and goes to move his arm, finding he can't get it anywhere past straight.

"Shite, if they come overhead, I can't block!", snaps Forge, "…I knew the stick thing was a bad idea"

"There's nothing for it now", says Freddy, "We're overdue in the sword ring as we speak"

"Thanks for the concern", says Forge dryly, "It was a mistake to do two events, I don't have time to breathe. I should withdraw from the sword"

"But the sword is by far what you're best at", says Todd, then pauses, "yo"

"But the prizes are bigger on the joust", says Forge, "the prestige as well!"

"See, he just wants to be in the limelight", says Hank, "glory hound"

The three stop dead as they walk into Sam, who looks like he's a 14th century Mafia boss.

"…A'hm evil **again**?", protests Sam.

"Well, TF hasn't updated Mutants Make Good Cowboys", says Hank with a shrug, "she needs to warm up"

"Forgeich von Lichesnstien?", he asks Forge.

"..Yes", Forge pauses, "you'll get your money next week, the cheques in the post, I swear!"

Sam blinks, then carries on.

"A'hm Samuel the Summoner"

Forge arches a brow, then decides to run away.

"And I'm overdue in the sword area", he says, going to walk past.

Sam put out a hand, stopping him.

"I must detain you on behalf of your herald", he smirks.

"I **knew** it!", snaps Todd, "I bet the Elf got drunk and started singin' German folk music again!"

They cut to where Kurt is, once again, naked.

"….I hate this role", mutters Kurt, "I'm naked far too much"

"You were never robbed, were you?", asks Forge glaring at him.

"Look, I have a gambling problem", says Kurt, then frowns, "I can't help myself. It's the influence of the trench coat"

"It's a magical trench coat", nods Remy, "why you 'tink Gambit never take it off?"

Kurt looks over to where Piotr has an evil grin, running his fingers over a sharp looking blade.

"And these people", Kurt grimaces, "they'll quite literally take the clothes off your back"

"And what do you expect us to do about it?", asked Forge, arching a brow.

"Hey, I got you out of Middleverse, you ungrateful know-it-all!", says Kurt, "you owe me"

"I did owe you", said Forge pointedly, "I repaid you by making that machine that'll give you an endless supply of gut bombs"

"Oh…yeah", says Kurt.

"Get on with it!", snaps Hank.

"He assured us that you, his liege", Piotr smirks, "would pay us"

Forge blinks at Kurt, who gives the best puppy face he can muster in his present condition.

"And who are you?", asks Forge, blinking at Piotr, "…I still think you never make a good evil guy"

"Piotr", says Piotr, "a humble pardoner and purveyor of religious relics"

"I like how you kept the character a Peter", smiles Hank.

"**PIOTR**!", snaps Piotr.

"…..Okay, chill", says Forge, rolling his eyes, "how much does he owe you?"

"Ten gold florins", says Sam.

Forge blinks, opting to walk a little away. Todd's eye twitches, before he screams launching himself at Kurt.

"**YOU MANKY GIT**!"

Freddy sighs as Todd grabs Kurt's head and starts punching it repeatedly. Forge and Freddy reluctantly go over to pull them apart.

"Hey, hey, hey, Todd, let him go", says Forge.

Todd is forcibly pushed aside as Kurt favours a hand.

"**OWWWW**!", he says, "..did you just…bite me?"

Todd gives a smirk.

"That was fun"

Forge gives a pondering look, scratching his soul patch.

"What would you do to him if I was to refuse?"

"We, one behalf of the Lord God", smiles Sam pleasantly, "will take it from his flesh….and fur"

"We could make a million out of a Kurt pelt on EBay", muses Piotr.

Kurt whimpers.

"So that he may understand that gambling is a sin", finishes Sam.

"It is?", asks Remy from backstage, "I never knew!"

Forge arches a brow as Kurt makes puppy eyes again.

"Oh, come on", he whimpers, "please, Forge"

He gets an odd look form Sam, and clears his throat.

"Please vill you help me, Sir Forgeich?", Kurt pleads, "I promise you von't regret it"

"I don't have the bread", says Forge, then winces as Hank glares at him, "money, I mean money!"

Kurt buries his head in his hands, ready to die.

"Release him", sighs Forge, "damn my hippie roots!"

There is an 'awwww!' moment as Kurt blinks at Forge in disbelief.

"And for Great Spirit's sake, give him back his clothes", says Forge, "before we all go blind…and you'll get it"

"Done", nods Sam

Kurt gives Forge a grateful nod, walking off to get his clothes. Not long after, the group are heading towards the sword arena.

"You lied", chastises Forge.

"Ja, ja, I lived!", admits Kurt, putting on his clothes as he tries to keep up, "I'm a vriter, I give the truth scope!"

He takes a deep breath.

"Behold, my Lord Forgeich von Lichesnstien", he shouts, "son of…"

"Too late", says Paul, hurrying over, "he's been announced"

"….Fine", says Kurt, a little miffed.

"Ten blows by sword", calls Paul, "Sir Forgeich to receive first"

Forge is tossed into the ring.

"Look out!", shouts Freddy.

Forge turns to see X-23, in battle gear, screaming, running at his with a sword.

"….Mommy", squeaks Forge.

The two start to fight, X-23 (not surprisingly) beating the crap out of Forge.

"Stop letting her hit you!", shouts Todd.

"Oh, shut up!", says Freddy, giving him a smack upside the head.

They got back to fighting, Forge eventually winning, by hitting X-23 pell mell, much like he did with the beam in Mutants in Tights.

"**SHAMELESS PLUG**", shout the cast.

"Sir Forgeich prevails!", shouts Paul, "five strikes to two!"

Kurt grins, holding up Forge's arm.

"Yes! Behold, my Lord Forgeich!", he shouts, "the rock, the hard place. Like a wind from Gelderland, he sweeps by, blown far from his homeland in search of glory and honour,. Ve valk in the garden of his turbulence!"

There is complete and utter silence…in the distance, some crickets are heard chirping. Freddy sighs, unable to take the pain.

"Yeeaaah!", he says, in a deep not-Freddy voice.

This spurs the crowd into cheering wildly. A rock anthem hits in as we see more fighting, both sword and jousting, Forge winning easily. Bobby grins, hopping out with his microphone again.

"God, why hasn't anyone shot him yet?", groans Hank as Bobby sings.

You get up every morning

At the alarm clock's warning

Take the 8:15 into the city

There's a whistle up above

People pushing

People shoving

And the girls who try to look pretty

"I'm getting tired, how long do I have to keep this up?", asks Forge.

"Todd Fan says until you're good and sweaty", says Hank, "then you go to her trailer"

And if your train's on time

You can get to work by 9:00

Start to sleep and talk to get your pay

If you ever get annoyed

Look at me I'm self-employed

"You mean no one actually **asked** you to sing?", growls Hank, glaring at Bobby.

I love to work at nothing all day

And I've been taking care of business

Every day

Takin' care of business

Every way

Takin' care of business

And working overtime

Finally, Bobby is dragged offstage by Hank, Freddy, Todd and Kurt, jumping into the area to congratulate Forge.

"You done it!", grins Freddy, "you're champion"

"Of the sword", mutters Forge.

"That's why we're standing here isn't it?", smirks Freddy, "Come on, to the lists!"

"You wanna touch him?", screams Kurt, "Do you wanna touch him"

He pauses.

"Except Todd Fan, Forge wants a restraining order against you"

**&&&&&**

Drat it!. Next time, you get to meet our Blacksmith-ette. Who's role was given thanks to the deleted scenes, which will be included at the end of the parody. Do review. Until next time…


	6. A very moody blacksmith

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time"

**&&&&&&**

ACT 6 – A very moody blacksmith

**&&&&&&**

"Good news", grins Todd, jumping in front of the cast "we now know what fonging is!"

"How?", asks Hank.

"Through tireless research", grins Todd, "I wanted to be more in character"

"Todd Fan heard it in the directors commentary, didn't she?", asks Hank.

"….Yes", Todd coughs, "It's kicking. Appropriate for my character, no?"

"…Shut up and act, Todd", sighs Hank.

After another winning joust, Forge rides back to Todd and Freddy, tapping his now cracked armour.

"What a burn", he sighs, "We should have saved our last penny for the blacksmith"

We cut to a forge…

"Forge is in a forge", giggles Hank.

Forge gives him a deadpan look.

"Ha. Ha", he says dryly, "You. Are. Hilarious"

"I know", smirks Hank.

Forge shakes his head, going back to pleading with Lucid, one of the blacksmiths.

"Now, I can't pay you now", he says, "but I promise you I will. Just as long a I…"

"No", says Lucid, tossing it back at him, "money"

Forge sighs, heading to the next smith along, Omega Red.

"Excuse me"

"Cash first, not promises", says Omega Red, "Go on"

Forge twitches.

"I could fix this myself"

"Not in this fic you can't", says Hank.

Forge growls, walking over to Jamie.

"Is it safe to let Multiple near big hammers and burning things?", asks Todd.

"Probably not", admits Hank"

"Excuse me……sir", Forge blinks, "I.."

"You might try the Farris", says Jamie, pointing over his shoulder across to another forge, where Wanda glares at them.

"….A woman?", asks Forge

Wanda gives Forge an even **icier** glare.

"Beggars can't be chooses, my Lord", smirks Jamie.

"Thank you", says Forge moodily, stomping over to where Wanda is working, being followed by Todd and Freddy.

"Excuse me!"

"I don't work for free", says Wanda, "chauvinistic pig"

"I'm a hippie", says Forge, "I'm not in the least bit chauvinistic. That's your brother"

Forge sighs.

"And I can't joust in broken armour"

"Your problem, not mine", says Wanda, giving a bit a smirk as she continues to work, "each drop of this sweat has a price on it"

"Really", grins Todd, "can I buy some Wanda sweat?"

"**NO**!", snaps Wanda.

Forge blinks, forming a cunning plan.

"Well, just as well", he says with a shrug, beginning to walk off, "They told me I was daft for even asking"

Wanda. Stops. Dead.

"Who?".

"The other armourers", says Forge, gesturing to Omega Red, Jamie and Lucid, who all look like they've about to be picked for an execution.

"Did they say I couldn't do it because I'm a woman?", growls Wanda.

"No", Jamie mouths, hiding behind a crate.

"No, they said you were great with horseshoes, but shite with armour", Forge gives a smile, "The fact that you're a woman wasn't even mentioned"

Wanda narrows her eyes stalking forwards and snatching the armour from Forge.

"Testy, testy", says Forge.

We cut to the jousting arena, where Guy Spears is flogging food…..or what might be food.

"Cat's meat. Hot wine", he calls, "Cats meat. Hot wine"

Not surprisingly, no one asks for it.

"Fine, I'll eat it myself", sniffs Guy.

As random jousting goes on, we see Storm sitting in her bench-thing, looking highly bored, as a string of knights walk past.

"Lady, I will win this tournament for you", says Pyro, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Nay", says Duncan, "I will win it for you"

Storm watches them with increased boredom, before she is interrupted by Kelly.

"I get a big part!", squeal Kelly.

"Yes, the loser part", smirks Hank, "loser"

"My Lady", says Kelly, "may I present Count Logan, winner of the joust in France, and high champion at Saint Emillion"

"…I'm a **baddie**?", blinks Logan.

"Todd Fan hates Loro with every fibre of her being", says Hank pleasantly, "she hates it so much, to mention it leads her in a little war dance where she tears pieces of paper with her teeth"

"…Oh", Logan blinks, "okay then. All such moments forgotten. I'm standing with the most beautiful woman in Christendom"

"Gag me with a fish", says Storm, rolling her eyes, as Logan bows, "Do you only pretend to fight, Count Logan, or do you wage real war as well?"

"Ouch", smirks Dani beside her.

"I am leader of the free companies", says Logan, "My army's in southern France at the moment? I get an army? Oooooh there are some people I can get back at with an army"

Bellow at the entrance, Forge and Kurt are watching.

"Kurt, it's my lady", he says with a goofy grin.

"Oh, jeez, Forge", winces Kurt, "You aim too high"

"..What's what supposed to mean?", blinks Forge, "If there's another way to aim, I don't know it"

"Concentrate", says Freddy, walking over with Jott.

"What should I say to her?", asks Forge

Kurt considers, before whispering in Forge's ear, as we cut to the box-bench thing again.

"What do you think of the joust?", asks Logan.

"It's very abrupt", says Storm, "I'm afraid I don't understand the rules. It being a stupid boy-game"

"Then I shall educate ya", says Logan, then grimaces, "it's really hard ta talk 'ye olde English'".

"Shut up!", snaps Hank.

"A match is three lances", says Logan, as Kelly stand behind, a large falcon on his hand, "One point is awarded fer breaking a lance on a man between the wiast and the neck"

"This bird is looking at me funny", whispers Kelly.

"Two points fer breaking on the helmet", continues Logan, "It's difficult. The helmet sweeps back. Most blows glance off, leaving the lance unbroken. An' three points fer bearing a rider to the ground. Also, should you bear a rider to the ground, you win his horse"

"What?", say Jott and Lancitty.

"And do men die in the joust?", asks Storm.

"Seriously, this bird is making me uncomfortable", says Kelly again.

"The lances' points are tipped with coronals, this blunts them", says Logan, "Of course, accidents happen"

"Oooooh foreshadowing", says Hank.

"I , myself, Ororo, have never been unhorsed", Logan brags, then pauses, "….that sounds like an innuendo"

"No have I", smirks Storm.

"That was even **more** of one!", says Hank.

Suddenly, Forge rides up on Jott.

"Your name, lady", he says, "I still need to hear it"

"Sir Hunter", giggles Storm, "you persist"

"Or perhaps angels have no names", says Forge, "only beautiful faces"

"…Are we allowed to use that line?", whispers Hank.

"This is fanfiction", says Todd, "copyright is thrown right out of the window"

Storm sits back, grinning, obviously impressed. Logan, a bit pissed he's no longer centre of attention, butts in.

"An you are?"

"Well I…", Forge blinks, "am…um"

"You've forgotten?", smirks Logan, "or your name is Sir Um?"

"Forgeich von Lichtenstein", smiles Forge, "from Gelderland"

"Oh, I'd forget as well", says Logan, "What a mouthful. Your armour, Sir?"

"Bird wants to eat me", whispers Kelly.

"What about it?", asks Forge.

"How stylish of you to joust in an antique", says Logan, "You'll start a new fashion if you win. My grandfather will be able ta wear his in public again. And a shield. How quaint"

"Meow", smirks Dani.

Forge gives him a **glare**, before charging off on Jott.

"Some of these poor, country knights", tuts Logan, "Little better than peasants"

"And cut", says Hank.

"Arrggghh!", screams Kelly as the falcon attacks him, "I knew it. I KNEW IT!"

"…Pick him up before he bleeds to death", says Hank, then pauses, "only just before though…"

**&&&&&&**

Weee, a whole bunch of characters introduced in this one. I'm rapidly running out of males, though, so some gals might have to get I drag. It's Rahne all over again ;) Do review. Until next time….

"


	7. A strange stranger

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "**YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH**!"

**&&&&&**

Act 7 – A strange stranger

**&&&&&**

We open in the jousting arena, where Lucas is standing, making his announcements.

"I hate this job", he mutters, "Second son or Sir Wallace Percival, third Earl of Warwick, my lord, my ladies, it is with honour I introduce my liege"

He pauses.

"I don't bloody serve anyone!"

"Just **pretend** you do", sighs Hank

"Fine", snaps Lucas, "Sir Thomas Colville"

"That's a fake name if ever I heard one", quips Todd.

Everyone cheers as a knight, his face hidden by his helmet, waves jauntily. Kurt walks past, pointing a finger at Lucas.

"You're good", he said, "you're very good"

"Bite me", replied Lucas, narrowing his eyes and stalking off.

Kurt grins, going about his job.

"My lords, my ladies", he gives a grin, waving to the peasant folk, "and everybody else here not sitting on a cushion!"

The crowd cheer, as Kurt does his taboo. Go Kurt!

"Today, today, you find yourselves equals!", he says, "For you are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, **nay**, the pleasure of introducing to you a knight sired by knights"

Todd, watching begins to twitch.

"Urge to kill….rising", he mutters.

Kurt continues oblivious.

"A knight who can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemange", says Kurt.

Todd twitches some more as Freddy rolls his eyes, crossing his arms as Forge stands around, trying to be invisible.

"I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God"

"Don't throw your religions on mine, Blue-Boy", snaps Forge.

"Sorry, it's in the script", says Kurt, "Asking his forgiveness for the Saracen blood spilt by his sword. Next, he amazed me still further in Italy, vhen he saved a fatherless beauty from the vould-be ravages of her dreadful Turkish uncle"

"…..Sounds like I've been a guest on the Jerry Springer show", mutters Forge.

The crowd boo and hiss, ad Todd punches the helmet in his hands.

"In Greece", Kurt continues, "he spent a year in silence, just to better understand the sound….of a vhisper"

Kurt looks up in the box, where Storm is grinning like a Cheshire cat and Logan is scowling. Kelly, bandaged, yet still holding the killer bird, watches through his still working eye.

"And so, vithout further gilding of the lily and vith no more ado", says Kurt, "I give to you the seeker of serenity, the protector of Italian virginity, the enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only, Sir Foooooorrrrrrgeich von Lichtenstein"

The crowd goes **nuts** as Kurt makes his way back to the group

"Thank you. Thank you", calls Kurt, "I'll be here all veek"

"Well, that was different", blinks Freddy.

"Vell, it's time ve celebrated our difference", says Kurt.

"Just….maybe not in public", says Freddy, shaking his head in disbelief.

"You….", chocked out Todd, twitching.

"Yes, Master Fowlehurst", says Kurt dryly, "I'm vell aware a good fonging is on the vay"

"Oh yeah…oh yeah", nods Todd, still twitching.

Kurt smiles, giving Jott a kiss.

"**STOP KISSING ME**!", screams Scott.

Kurt smirks, going over to where Fore is sitting on Jott, fixing his helmet.

"Now, I got their attention", says Kurt, "You go an vin their hearts"

Forge nods, albeit a little freaked out by Kurts less-than-truthful portrayal of his life. He goes about his jousting business, earing himself his points as he fights against 'Colville'.

"Very good", grins Kurt as Forge rides up after the first run.

"Was she watching?", asks Forge, like a school-kid, "Kurt, did she see me?"

"Yes she saw you", says Kurt, rolling his eyes.

"Did she see me take the hit?", asks Forge.

"Yes, she saw you take the hit", says Kurt, obviously deciding to reply with Forges question in the form of an answer.

"Was she concerned?", pressed Forge.

"It vas dreadful", Kurt lies, "Her eyes velled up. It vas awful"

"What was?", asks Storm, lifting her head out of a magazine.

We go back to the second run, where Forge gets another hit. From the box, Logan gives a grump sound.

"This Colville has perfect technique. But I've never seen him before", he says.

"No I", says Kelly, where the hawk is biting at his bandages, "but his Lichtenstein…His technique, rudimentary. Style, nonexistent"

"**HEY**!", says Forge, "I have plenty of style….I'm just in the wrong decade"

"Different type of style, Forge", sighs Hank.

"Still", continues Kelly, "He's fearless"

"Fearless?", asks Storm, "How so?"

"…Thanks, Honey", says Forge dryly.

"The silt in a helmet's visor is narrow, but splinters can penetrate it", says Logan, "Most knights raise their chins at the last instant. You lose sight of your opponent, but you protect your eyes. This Forgeich doesn't"

"He keeps his eye on the target", smiles Storm, then leans in to Dani, "A true hunter"

Down in the field, 'Colville' raises his hand as he and Forge ride up to one another He shifts the side of his helmet away to reveal a blue eye, fakinga new accent, being a master of disguise.

""Sir Forgeich, I'm through", he says, wincing from his injuries, "But I've never not finished before. I wish to keep my honour intact"

Forge squints, trying to work out who the hell is in there before blinking and nodding.

"Uhh…okay….strange stanger"

Rogue waves her flag and the horses ride to one another, both Forge and 'Colville' slowing and raising their lances to the sky as they pass each other

"A draw", blinks Kelly, "And Colville is hurt"

They watch 'Colville' getting taken care of by his squires as Lucas puts a white flag over his shield.

"Colville withdraws", says Lance, "Forgeich advances….that sounds like a dirty line. Why didn't Forgeich finish him?"

"He shows mercy", says Storm.

Logan looks a bit pompous again.

"Then he shows his weakness", he snorts, "for that's all mercy is"

We move to night time, where Forge, Todd and Freddy are sleeping in their tent, Todd's feet at Freddy and Forge's heads.

"….The…smell", gags Forge.

"For the love of victory, Forge, go to sleep", complains Freddy.

"I don't sleep very often", says Forge, "it's a side-effect of my mutation"

"….Forge say your line", says Hank.

"I can't", says Forge, "Love has given me wings so I must fly"

Freddy tires to ignore him, closing his eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"I can't explain it", says Forge, "She makes me feel like a poet"

"You may feel like a poet but you sound like an idiot", mutters Freddy, "You don't even know her name"

"Her name", sighs Forge, "Her name is Aphrodite, Calypso, Venus. Take your pick"

Freddy sighs, turning to look at Forge.

"Women weaken the heart", he says, "Without your heart, you cannot win"

"You're just pissed 'cause Jean picked Scott", says Forge.

"Shut up", says Freddy, settling back ot sleep.

"Oh, but her eyes", sighs Forge

"Concentrate", snaps Freddy.

Todd suddenly sits up in his sleep.

"Tansy cakes!", he says, hugging a ratty Kermit pillow….despite the century.

Todd blinks around, before lying back down. We cut to Storm's castle, where Dani is talking to Storm, who is wearing a red nightdress.

"Count Logan sends word", says Dani, "He said he will win this tournament for you"

Storm rolls her eyes.

"He's won many tournaments", she says, "He wins them for himself and for his own honour. So it's nothing to say he wins them for me"

Dani nods.

"He wishes to speak to you again", she says, "'cause he's a freak"

"Not to hear what I say", sighs Storm, "Logan wants his women silent"

Dani gives a sly smirk.

"Would you have Sir Forgeich win this tournament for you?", she asks with a chuckle.

"No!", snaps Storm spinning around, then smiles, "And he is the only knight that has not promised to do so"

She gives another smile, going into a daydream.

"Sir Forgeich von Lichtenstein", she sighs, "I would have him win my heart"

Dani arches a brow, giving Storm a poke.

"Earth to Storm, helooooooooo"

"Oh well, I'm sure she'll be back to normal by the next act", shrugs Hank.

**&&&&&&**

Another act done and dusted. I'll be started the Wild, Wild West parody again shortly, as I want most of these at leats almost done before I start back in uni. Who is Mr Colville? Find out eventually! Do review. Until next time…


	8. A flashback

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting"

**&&&&**

ACT 8 – A flashback

**&&&&**

We open the next day back in the jousting ring. where Logan is entering to a fanfare, Kelly prancing about in front of him like a toff as the crowd chants Logan's name.

"Oh, lovely", sneers Todd.

"It is, 'aint it?", smirked Logan, "me public"

"Count Logan", frowns Forge, "I don't think I've ever seen him lose"

"…Might have something to do with the healing factor and metal bones", says Todd helpfully.

"No", says Freddy, ignoring Todd:but defeat him and you'll see it firsthand"

"My liege!", says Kurt, walking over, Dani trailing behind him.

Forge, not used to being called 'liege' stares off into space until Kurt taps the armour of his chest.

"Sir Forgeich!", he says, "heloooo"

Forge blinks at him a bit dimly, then at Dani.

"Danielle", says Kurt, nodding at her.

"My lady bids you wear this token", says Dani, handing Forge a tie-dye bandana, "but she's a lazy cow, and won't come bring it herself"

"How much is the woman meant for me?", grins Forge, taking the bandana, "oh, of course"

"She also said to tell you her name", Dani gives a pause, smirking, "is Ororo"

"Ororo", whispers Forge, going into la-la land.

"Au revoir", says Kurt, in his German accent watching Dani go.

"Au revoir", smiles Dani.

Kurt blinks over to where Freddy is also in la-la land, watching Dani leave with an open mouth.

"Another random Todd Fan pairing", says Hank, "how **does** she do it?"

"Oh, Ororo", sighs Forge, still staring into space.

Kurt rolls his eyes, closing Freddy mouth for him. Freddy blinks out of la-la land, and gives Forge a glare.

"Concentrate!", he says.

"Hi Pot", says Todd, "this is Kettle, you're black!"

Forge give a goofy grin, walking after everyone else. Forge and Logan are facing each other, Forge on Jott, Logan on Lancitty. We move to a close up of Jott's eye.

"Oh yes, make an eye joke at me!", sobs Scott.

"Eye, eye", laughs Lance.

Rogue gives a bored sigh, waving her flag as the combatants charge. Storm watching from her box. They both hit equal, getting a little white flag each.

"Little white flags", says Hank, "collect them all!"

Forge comes over to Kurt, Todd and Freddy on Jott.

"I can't breathe!", he whines, "…and yet, I can talk"

Oh the other end, Kelly pulls a wood splinter from Logan's side.

"….Blood", whimpers Kelly.

"No style whatsoever", grumps Logan, "neither has an anvil"

"**FORGE PUN**!", screams Hank, giggling.

"…Shadup", mutters Forge, "he hits like a hammer, it's amazing"

"**ANOTHER FORGE PUN**!"

"If you don't stop that, I'll smack you", warns Forge.

"But not perfect", says Freddy, "he aims high on your chest. Roll your shoulder back when you strike. His blow may glance to your right"

"….Learn a lot about jousting in monster truck shows, huh, Freddy?", asks Kurt.

"Actually…yes", says Freddy, blinking.

"If he strikes on the right!", protests Forge, "If he strikes me on the left, I'll be obliterated"

Freddy considers this.

"I didn't say it wasn't a gamble"

"…Thank a lot", says Forge dryly.

As they go in for the second run, Forge does as he's told, giving Logan a good hit, his own not being as bad. Todd and Freddy cheer happily, as do the crowds, while Storm giggles to herself. In the peasant stands, Wanda watches with the smallest of smiles. Todd laughs, blowing as raspberry at Logan, who blinks, then looks up at his unbroken lance. He narrows his eyes as the crowd chants Forge's name instead. Oh yeah, he's pissed. When the third and final run happens, Logan smacks the helmet right off Forge's head, triggering a flashback episode.

_FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBAKFLASHBACK_

We find chibi Forge.

"Awwwwwwwwwww!", say the girls.

….Yeah. Anyway, chibi Forge (thanks to a chibi-machine) is trying to worm his way through a crowd to see a parade of knights.

"Forge!", shouts a mans voice, in an echoed way, "FORGE!"

Chibi Forge, muttering all the way, makes it through the crowd where Xavier is….errr sitting.

"You're an awfully pale Native American", Forge remarks.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay!", says Hank, "we haven't got that many elderly people, have Charles and be happy!"

"Yeah", says Xavier, then pauses, "wait…did you just call me 'elderly'?"

"On with the show!", shouts Hank.

""Forge, here", calls Xavier, "Come on, come here"

"I'm not a dog", mutters Forge as Xavier picks him up and plonks him on top of a set of stocks, where Jamie is stocked up.

"Lemiie out!", cries Jamie, "I won't do it again, I swear!"

Chibi Forge smiles, watching the knights parade.

"Someday, I'll be a knight", he says wistfully.

"A Thatcher's son?", laughs Jamie, "A knight?"

"…Wait, how can Xavier be a Thatcher if he can't climb on roofs?", asks Forge.

"He just **can**, okay!", snaps Hank.

"You might as well try to change the stars!", laughs Jamie.

Forge politely tread on Jamie's head.

"Can it be done………Father?", he grimaces, "Can a man change the stars?"

"Yes, Forge", says Xavier, "If he believes enough, a man can do anything"

"Oh God, you're not going to start on of your speeches, are you?", groans Jamie.

"What's wrong with my speeches?", asks Xavier, blinking.

_ENDFLASHBACKENDFLACHBACKENDFLASHBACK_

Forge, still slightly concussed, hangs onto Jott as Freddy and Todd rush to his aid. Logan plucks up Storm's tie-dye bandana from the ground with his lance, stopping to smirk and slightly-out-of-it-Forge.

"Gain more bearing, Forgeich", he smirks, "See me again when you're worthy"

"Yes, Tooth fairy", says Forge, blinking drowsily.

"Rage…growing…must…kill", says Todd, then screams, running after Logan, "I'll fong you in the hole of your arse!"

He screams, about to leap over the dividing line to do just that, when Kurt quickly shoves him to the ground, clapping dryly.

"Vell done, my lord", he says, "Vell done"

Todd says something that shouldn't be repeated and Kurt points at Forge.

"Go and see to Forgeich", he growls, then claps again, "Vell done, my lord. Noble victory"

Logan rides up to Storm, reaching out his lance with the tie-dye banner on.

"My lady, I believe this is yours", he says.

Storm takes it back, gives him a glare, and stalks off. We cut to the prizegiving ceremony.

"For long spear on foot", says Teryn, dressed in drag, "Callisto Malatesa"

"….That isn't my…", starts Callisto, in drag, but is pushed forward to claim her prize anyway.

"For sword on foot", says Teryn, "Forgeich von Lichtenstein"

Forge grumbles, claiming the prize he never actually wanted.

""And finally", says Teryn, "for the mounted joust and tournament champion: Logan, Count of Anjou"

Logan smirks claiming his rpize.

"I present to you, your champions", says Teryn.

The three wave to the crowds.

"Next time I face you, Count Logan", says Forge through a gritted smile, "you will look up at me from the flat of your back"

"Oooooh scary", snorts Logan, "Please. You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found wanting"

Forge narrows his eyes, stalking off as his group follows him happily.

"Keep winning the sword and we'll be rich!", grins Freddy.

"I won't compete in the sword again", says Forge moodily.

""It's your best event", protests Kurt.

"No", says Forge, "It's tournament champion or nothing at all"

**&&&&&**

Onwards, ho! 


	9. Get your groove on

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Disco is **NOT** dead!"

**&&&&**

ACT 9 – Get your groove on

**&&&&**

We open with Forge hacking off a piece of his gold horsey thing, handing it over to Sam and Piotr.

"Ten florins", says Forge, "That should do"

"It's sixes and sevens tonight, Wagner", grins Sam, "Do you feel lucky?"

"Do you wear enough clothes?", asks Piotr.

"G one, begone!", says Kurt, "I'm done vith you!"

"…Begone?", asks Sam, arching a brow.

"Except to exact my revenge", smirks Kurt.

"What on earth could you possibly do to us?", asks Piotr, towering over the elf.

"I vill eviscerate you in fiction", says Kurt, "Every last pimple. every last character flaw. I vas naked for a day. You vill be naked for eternity"

The fangirls scream and the thought of naked Sam and Piotr.

"Actually, Simon the Summoner and Peter the Pardoner are, indeed, character in Chaucer's books", says Hank, unhelpfully.

"A'h have a feeling we shall meet again", says Sam ominously as Piotr chuckles to himself.

Wanda walks over, and Forge gives her his statue.

"Here, Farris", he says, "Take what we owe you"

"The armour you wear", says Wanda, "it wasn't made for you, was it?"

"So?", says Forge, trying to be nonchalant, "what of it?"

"I could make **such** armour", says Wanda, "You wouldn't even know you wore it"

"And how much would that cost us?", asks Forge.

"Just take me as far as Paris", shrugs Wanda.

"We travel alone", says Forge, "Take your gold and go"

Wanda **glares** at him, before **smacking** the horse against the cart, taking a hunk of it and **throwing** the other bit back at Forge, which smacks him in the chest.

"…Awww you upset her", says Todd with a sniffle.

"I gathered", whimpers Forge, then tosses it to Freddy, "Get what you can out of that. The rest of us will pack camp"

"Why are we leaving so soon?", whines Todd.

"The tournament at Lagny-sur-Marne starts in a week", says Forge, "If we leave now, we can walk most of the way and save the horse"

"Ooooh how considerate", smiled Jean.

"No", says Kurt, grabbing the saddle Forge just put on the cart and taking it off again, "You have to go to the banquet tonight. You have to dance. You have to make an appearance"

"And have Logan laugh at me again?" asks Forge, "No!"

"Yes!", says Kurt.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

As this argument goes on, no one has noticed Dani show up, bar Freddy, who clears his throat politely, until the others notice.

"My lady would like to know the colour of your lords tunic tonight", says Dani to Freddy.

"His..tunic?", blinks Freddy.

"Yes", nods Dani, "So that she can dress to match him…duh"

"Uh, ve regret to inform your lady", says Kurt, walking over, "that ve von't actually be attending…"

"Herald!", snaps Forge, cutting him off, "do not answer questions you don't know the answer to!"

"Absolutely, my lord", says Kurt, turning away to avoid punching him.

"Uh..sire", says Forge, looking at Freddy, "answer her. What colour is my tunic tonight?"

"Uh", Freddy blinks around desperately, then looks at the tent behind Dani, "Green. Uh…trimmed in a kind of pale….green. Uh, w..with wooden toggles"

"I will tell my lady", says Dani, blinking a little before leaving.

"Oh, this is a disaster!", groans Forge.

"No", says Freddy, looking at the tent, "it'll tunic up quite nicely. Give us your dagger, Todd"

"That's not the disaster, Freddy", says Forge, "I don't know how to dance. Well, I do, but apparently, not the **right** sort of dancing"

"You aren't doing disco and that's it!", snaps Hank.

We cut to the stables, where Kurt is hitting a barrel with a stick, keeping time as Forge attempts to dance with Todd.

"This is so wrong", says Forge.

"And one and two and three and four", chants Kurt, before slapping Forge's hand, "and your hand should alight like a birdie on a branch!"

"Oww", says Forge with a frown.

"And one, two, three and four", says Kurt, "And Todd doesn't lead he follows like a girl"

Freddy looks up from where he's sewing, and Todd narrows his eyes, punching Kurt's lights out. A few monuments later we return to the same scene, this time, Kurt has tissues rammed up his nostrils.

"And one and two and twirlie, twirlie, twirlie", says Kurt, then sighs as Forge and Todd fall over one another, "And one and two and you're still getting it wrong!. And one and two and three and four. You can hit me all day 'cause you punch like a what?"

"A girl!", grins Freddy, causing Todd to glare at him, "going back to sewing"

"**That's enough of that!**", screams Todd, "**I'm doing this for you!. He starts every time!**"

Forge sighs, trying to break up the fights as Wanda walks past, watching them and letting out a low whistle.

"Oh, and you can do better can you?", snorts Kurt.

"Of course I can", laughs Wanda.

"Good", says Forge, "Why don't you show us, then?"

Wanda gives him her glare.

"No"

"If I'm going to all this effort, you best learn to dance", chides Freddy, "Now ask her nicely"

Wanda smiles pleasantly as Forge crosses his arms, looking at the floor.

"I'm sorry, Wanda", he says, "I was wondering if you would care to show us how to dance"

"Please", say the boys in unison.

We cut to later, where the boys, now under Wanda's direction, are all actually dancing well, bar Freddy, who is still sewing.

"And one, and two, three and four", says Wanda, "five, six, seven, change partners. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, polonaise"

Freddy smiled proudly at his tent-tunic.

"You're not gonna wear your hair like that, are you?", asks Wanda, looking at Forge.

"Is there another way?", blinks Forge, "and I like my hair, it's **good** hair!"

We open in the banquet, where Forge, his hair not changed, walks in, bowing awkwardly to random people as he wears his tent-tunic. He finally meets Storm by a table.

"Sire Forgeich", smiles Storm, "you look fantastic"

She smirks in her almost see-though green dressy thing, sitting down, leaving Forge gaping for a while before going to sit next to her.

"Ororo, you look", Forge stumbles on words, "uh..you..you remind me of the bible"

He stops.

"Neither of us are Christian", he says, "and neither is Todd Fan, so this makes sense to none of us"

"Just say it", sighs Hank.

"When God stopped the sun in the sky at Gibeon", says Forge, looking at his lines, "to give Joshua more time to defeat the Amorites"

Storm blinks, smiling a little confused.

"I don't understand"

"If I could ask God", Forge frowns, "The Great Spirit one thing, it would be to stop the moon, stop the moon and make this night, and your beauty last forver"

"That's no scientifically correct", frowns Hank.

"Charmer", smirks Storm.

We move to the dance floor, where Pyro is being the entertainment.

"So, what dance will you have, mates?", he grins, "A coranto? Or a bassa dance?"

"Sir Forgeich", calls Logan form the back, hoping to catch Forge out 'cause he's evil, "Why don't you show us all a dance of your country? Show us a dance of Gelderland"

"Oh", blinks Forge

"Yes", smiles Pyro, "Gelderland!"

"Uh", says Forge, "Well, i…it's a lot like the farrindal. BUt with some differences..uh"

Forge coughs, starting to make up random moves.

"Well, you should bow", says Forge, everyone copying him, "and..uhh…"

"They look like disco moves!", cries Hank, "I specifically said no disco!"

The guests start to giggle, but Storm steps in, adding some made-up moves of her own. As Bobby appears with his microphone.

"Oh Gods", groans Hnak, "Disco **and** Bobby…I'm going to get drunk"

Everyone begins to dance, slowly at first, before the music takes a very seventies twang, everyone breaking out into **DISCO FREESTYLE! **Bobby grins beginning to sing.

**Golden years**

**Golden years**

**Golden years**

**Don't let me hear you say**

**Life's taking you nowhere**

**Angel**

**Look at that sky**

**Life's begun**

**Nights are warm **

**And the days are young**

**Come, get up, my baby**

**There's my baby**

**Lost, that's all**

**Once I'm begging you**

**Save her little soul**

**Golden Years**

**Golden**

Logan watches the disco dancing with a scowl, his plan foiled.

"Damn", he mutters.

**Last night they loved you**

**Opening doors and pulling some strings**

**Angel**

**In walked luck and you look in time**

**Never look back**

**Walk tall, act fine**

**I'll stick with you baby**

**For a thousand years**

**Nothing's gonna touch you**

**In these golden years**

Logan growls, stalking out of the hall, not going to humiliate himself by disco dancing.

**Golden years**

**Golden**

**Golden years**

**Golden**

**&&&&&&**

There we go. Last update until Monday, as I'm in London at the weekend to see Phantom of the Opera. Weee! Do review. Until next time…


	10. A prince in knights clothing

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?"

**&&&&&**

ACT 10 – A prince in knights clothing

**&&&&&**

We open in the forge (lowercase, the building, not the person), where Wanda is working away on Forge's (uppercase, the person) new armour. She smiles as she finishes, carving two tick-swish marks in the chest.

"PRODUCT PLACEMENT!", shouts Hank.

A little later, we see Forge testing out his new armour, looking a bit confused.

"What?", asks Wanda icily.

"I don't know", sighs Forge, "It's too small. It's too light"

"He'll be crushed!", says Todd, "Killed"

"Not to mention dead", says Hank.

"No", says Wanda, trying, very hard, not to kill anyone, "I found a new way to heat the steel. It's thinner, smaller, but just as strong"

"What are these?", asks Freddy, pointing at the product placement marks.

"The marks of my trade", says Wanda proudly, "Should another Knight admire the armour"

"Phil Knight owns Nike", grins Hank, "Bad dum bump!"

All three begin giggling, causing Wanda to narrow her eyes, hex-bolts forming in her hands.

"Twist, bend!", she snaps, "Feel the movement!"

"Well..", Forge shrugs, "but eventually I will be struck"

"And then death", says Todd, "….maybe this 'aint such a bad thing"

Wanda gives another I'm-trying-not-to-kill-you sigh.

"Do you at least have the courage to test it?", she asks.

We cut to Freddy and Wanda charging at Forge with a battering ram.

"This is going to be fun", grins Wanda

"Mother!", cries Forge as it rams into him, sending him flying across the room into a pile of sacks.

"Are you alright, Forge?", asks Freddy, glancing over.

"I didn't feel a thing", blinks Forge

Wanda gives a smirk.

"Told you so", she says smugly.

We change scenes to the tournament grounds, where Forge is walking around in his armour, other knights are laughing and pointing at him.

"…And we're back to high school", sighs Forge, getting onto Jott, watching as another knight in heavy armour is helped onto a horse by some extra Multiples, "What's the name of that knight?"

"He is Victor", says Freddy, "He's raised the taxes on his land three times this year to pay for tournament"

"His people starve while he sits at banquet", adds Todd, handing Forge's helmet to him.

Forge scowls, putting his helmet on.

"It's probably true", whispers Todd to Freddy from under Jott's neck.

"You have hit a new low", says Scott, "lying is bad"

"Oh, shut up", says Jean, "at least he's lighter now"

Rogue waves her flag and Forge charges at Sabertooth. Storm and Dani watch from their box, Storm wearing a dress that shows plenty of cleavage.

"It's as if she **wants** Forge to fall off the horse", says Dani

Forge manages to knock Sabertooth off Lancitty.

"Oww", says Sabertooth as Lancitty falls on him, "that's gonna hurt in the morning"

"My hip, my hip!", shouts Lance.

"I'm sick of being the bad guy horse", says Kitty, "I want to be the good-guy horse!"

"Forgeich von Lichtenstien", smirks Storm as the crowds chant Forge's name.

We move to the next match, where Kelly is standing stock-still giving his speech.

"My Lord, the Count Logan, son of Philippe de Vitry"

"…I have a dad?", blinks Logan.

"So of…." Kelly starts to stammer as a beam of light hits him square in the eyes, "**I'M BLIND!"**

"Your imagining it", says Hank.

"Master of the free companies", carried on Kelly, squinting against the light, "defender of his enormous manhood"

"**PARDON!**", says Logan

We see Kurt is in the stands with the gang, using a mirror to catch the light and send it in Kelly's eyes.

"This is fun", giggles Kurt.

"A shining example", carried on Kelly, "of chivalry and….champagne"

He gives a bow, deciding to hide.

"You are **so** fired", says Logan.

Lucas apearts, dressed in his jaunty robes again, still scowling.

"My lords..", he starts.

"Watch every move Logan makes", says Freddy in the stalls, "If there's a weakness, we'll find it"

"Colville looks fit", says Forge, "This should be good"

"….You think he looks fit?", Wanda squicks.

"Healthy, yes", Forge blinks, "….I'm missing some new-age lingo, aren't I?"

"It's okay, Forge", says Kurt, patting his back, "ve got sued to you by now"

"My liege", continues Lucas, "second son of Sir Wallace Percival, it is my deepest honour…"

At this time, Kelly is talking to some other squires, glancing over at 'Colville'. He blinks, giving one of them, Jason, a push, sending him off. Lucid blinks at this, but continues.

"My deepest hnour, to present to you…."

"It's Pietro, my lord", says Jason, racing over to Logan, "They're sure of it!"

Logan sighs, nodding at Kelly. Just as Lucas finishes his speech, Kelly pust a white flag over Logan's shield, causing the crowd to boo."

Pietro, his face still hidden, gives a sigh.

"I want to play horsey"

"Logan withdrew", blinks Forge.

"To withdraw like that can only mean one thing", blinks Freddy.

"Royalty", says Todd.

"Boo-yah!", grins Pietro, who raises his lance at Logan, Logan returning the action.

"I'll see vhat I can find out", says Kurt, _bamfing_ off.

A few minutes later, and Kurt is at the mid section of the arena, talking with Tabby.

"Prepare to drop the flag", she says as Rogue puts Forge's coat of arms on the wall.

"No, no ,no, not yet", begs Kurt, "Vait"

"Musicians, announce..", carried on Tabby, enjoying being oblivious to him.

"Vait!", says Kurt, "I must speak vith my lord!"

"Then go", says Tabby, "And see if you can beat the Second Coming, eh?"

Kurt _bamfs_ over to where Forge is getting ready to joust.

"Vait! Vait!", he yelps, "Colville is Pietro, the Black Prince of Wales, and the future King of England"

"I'm the prince of Wales!", shouts Pietro, "I rule!"

"Only because your voice actor happens to be Welsh", snaps Hank.

_WELSH RULE! CYMRU! CYMRU! _

"See, you have her going all patriotic now", sighs Hank

_Hey, you have to speak incredibly fast to get all the syllables of the Welsh language out right, of course a Welshman could speak super-fast. Pietro speak_

"Once again", says Pietro, "I rule.

_Of course, the Prince of Wales isn't ACTUALLY Welsh, which is wrong…bloody Sais_

"Todd Fan, can we please get on with this now?", asks Hank.

_Yes……sorry….I'll shut up now._

Forge looks over at Pietro.

"He's in disguise like me", says Forge, "So he can compete"

"He has never met an enemy vithout victory", says Kurt, "He has never attacked a town he could not defeat"

"We're English, Kurt, We know who he is", says Todd, then blinks, "technically, only I am, but still…" (1)

"You must withdraw, Forge", says Freddy, "Go tell them, they're about to drop the flag"

"Absolutely", pants Kurt, then adds icily, "not like multiple 'portings exhaust me or anything"

He vanishes with a _bamf_ to the shields, grabbing the white flag to put it on, causing the crowd to sigh

"Give me the lance", says Todd to Forge, "Give me the lance!"

Forge ignores him, charging off instead. Pietro blinks, then grins happily.

"**LANCE**!", he shouts.

"What?", asks Lance, turning his panto head to look at Pietro as he sits on Lancitty.

Lucid hands him his lance and Pietro charges off. They both hit, getting a draw.

"Oh my giddy aunt", gasps Kurt

"The British don't use that term as much as you think they would", says Hank.

Storm and Dani claps from their box as Logan scowls.

"The match is a draw!", shouts Tabby

"Are you mad?", asks Kurt to Forge, "You knowingly endanger a member of the royal family?"

"He knowingly endangers himself", points out Forge as Pietro rides up.

"Well fought, Sir Forgeich", he says, "As it was in Rouen"

"And you also, Prince Pietro"

Pietro grins, pulling his helmet off, giving his hair a vain swish.

"Say it like that again, it makes me feel special", he says, "You knew me?"

"Yeah", says Forge, and Kurt walks off, holding his head in his hands.

"And still you rode?", asked Pietro.

"It's not in me to withdraw", says Forge.

"Ah. nor me", grins Pietro.

"….Don't you two have enough slash implication in the Wild West parody?", asks Hank, "why make it worse?"

",...Shut up, Hank", says Pietro, "Though it happens"

"Yes, it does", says Forge

"What?", asks Hank, "Pietro/Forge slash?"

"**SHUT UP, HANK**!", they both snap.

"Good luck with the tournament", says Pietro

"And you also", says Forge with a nod as they go their separate ways.

We move to later, where the knights are claiming their awards.

"The winner of the mounted joust, and tournament champion", says Tabby, "Forgeich von Lichtenstein"

The crowd cheer as Forge gets his golden thing, though he moodily tosses it to Freddy.

"Here", he says, "Melt it down, sell it, do whatever you do"

"Yes, Your Majesty", says Freddy dryly.

"Forge, you're tournament champion!", says Todd happily

"I'm not champion until I defeat Logan!", snaps Forge, "Logan withdrew"

"Sir Forgeich"

It is then Forge notices Storm has been walking beside him for the past few minutes.

"I've come to see what you'll wear at the banquet tonight", she says.

"Nothing", says Forge moodily

"That will cause a sensation", giggles Storm, "I'll dress to match"

"Is that a promise?", grins Forge

"You're supposed to be moody!", snaps Hank.

"Awww", says Forge sadly, then goes back to being moody, "Don't you ever get tired of putting on clothes?"

"I did when I was a teenager", says Storm, "I used to walk naked around the Institute" (2)

Forge twitches slightly.

"I believe she's talking about taking them off, my Lord", Kurt whispers in his ear.

"A flower is only as good as it's petals", says Storm, "don't you think?"

"A flower is good for nothing", says Forge, then blinks, "no, it's the symbol of hippies everywhere!"

"Shut up", snaps Hank.

"Really?", asks Storm.

"You can't eat a flower", says Forge, "A flower doesn't keep you warm"

"Am a rose never knocked a man off a horse, either, did it?", snaps Storm.

Forge blinks at her, before scrunching up his face in an amusing manner, waving his hands at her.

"You're just a silly girl, aren't you?", he says, "…please don't hit me"

Freddy and Dani glance up form where they'd been flirting unashamedly as Storm looks down sadly.

"Better a sill girl with a flower", she says, "than a silly boy with a horse and a stick"

With that, she stomps off, Dani following behind her.

"It's called a lance!", shouts Todd after the women, "Heloooooo!"

**&&&&&**

(1) – Comic Toad is, indeed, English.

(2) – Yes, she did.

I love that lance bit at the end. Do review, Until next time…


	11. Love letters straight from your heart

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first 'ha'."

**&&&&&**

ACT 11 – Love letters straight from your heart

**&&&&&**

Team Forge have arrive din Bordeaux, where, once again, Forge wins a joust. "I have vord", says Kurt, _bamfing_ over.

"What?", asks Forge.

"Logan's been called back to the free companies", says Kurt, "The Black Prince commanded it. He could be gone all season"

"First Ororo, and now Logan", says Todd unhelpfully.

Forge has a mini-tantrum, tossing his helmet to the floor and stalking off.

"Well done", Wanda snaps at Todd.

"Yeah, well done", quips Kurt.

"What?", asks Todd, blinking.

We move to the Southern Fornt of the Battle of Poitiers, where Logan is commanding, of course. Kelly, rather nervously, walks over with a pile of papers.

"The..um.. tournament results, my lord", he says, handing them to Logan.

Lorgan takes them flicking through them seeing the triple phoenix insignia of Forge's shield.

"Forgeich. Forgeich. Forgeich", he mutters, flicking through them, Forge winning each one, "Forgeich"

Kelly winces.

"Don't kill the messenger, please"

Logan snarls, popping out his claws, spearing the paper right through Forge's shield.

"Ooooh", says Hank, "ominous"

We got back to the group, after the tournament, Forge wandering around their barn, holding a rose in his hand.

"I need to write a letter", says Forge, looking at the others, "Dear Ororo…no, _My_ dearest Ororo…"

"Better", nods Kurt, jotting it down.

"Uh…"Forge blinks, obviously not used to this lark, "I miss you".

Kurt winces.

"Was that wrong?", blinks Forge.

"Well", Kurt shrugs, "it's up to you, really. Um. It's your funeral….I mean, letter"

"Say something about her breasts", says Todd in-between mouthfuls of food.

"Yeah, you miss her breasts", nods Freddy.

"Who wouldn't?", grins Forge, then winces as thunder sounds, "her breasts?"

"Yes…you could", Kurt sighs, "Uh…but I vould tend to look **above** her breasts, Forge"

"I….I miss her throat?", tries Forge pathetically.

"Still higher, really", says Kurt, "towards the heavens"

"The moon, at least", says Wanda, then adds rather bitchily, "He breasts were not that impressive"

"The moon?", blinks Forge, then recites for his letter, "It is strange to think I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face"

"That's very good, Forge", blinks Kurt, surprised.

"I used to know this girl once, who….", says Freddy, "well she broke my heart"

"Was it Jean?", asks Wanda, "it was, wasn't it"

Freddy gives her a glare, before continuing.

"But I used to say the pieces.."

We move to Storm, who is reading the finished letter, obviously Freddy's piece being snuck into it.

"..The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they can be passed through the eye of a needle", she reads, "He writes as though I had died"

"Yes, madam", says Todd form the corner, where he ahs delivered it, "He dies as well"

We switch back to the barn scene, where Todd is adding his bit.

"She used to cook for the Duke of York", he says, then gives a sob, "I miss her like the sun misses the flower"

"I miss you like the sun misses the flower", reads Storm, forward in her time, "like the sun missed the flower in the depth of winter. Instead of beauty to direct it's light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to"

Back to the barn.

"I next complete in the city of Paris", says Forge, "I will find it empty and in the winter, if you're not there"

"Does anyone find these season puns a little….odd?", says Hank.

"I like it", nods Kurt:And now to finish it"

Everyone turns to blinks at Wanda.

"With hope", she says, "Love should end with hope. My husband, God rest him.."

"You had a husband?", squeaks Todd.

"….Only in the parody….idiot", sighs Hank.

"Told me something I'll never forget", continues Wanda, "Hope guides me. It is…"

We go forward to Storm again.

"I'm getting motion sickness", complains Hank.

"It is hope what gets me through the day, and especially the night", reads Storm, "The hope that after you are gone from my sight, it will not be the last time I look upon you"

Todd offers her a hankie, which she takes with a grimace, considering he's already blown his nose on it.

Back in the barn, Forge smiles.

"And finish it with…", he pauses, "With all the love that I possess, Forge"

"You mean Forgeich", corrects Kurt.

Forge's face falls as we cut forward to Storm.

"With all the love that I possess", she reads, "I remain yours, the knight of your heart"

She closes her eyes, hugging the letter to her. Todd clears his throat.

"My master hoped you might have something to send him in return", he says.

Storm pauses to think, before a slow smile crosses her face.

In Paris, we see a random mad person standing outside the area, rambling about cockadoodling and denying. The team are getting ready when Todd rides up on Jott, after delivering the letter

"No Logan", Forge grumbles, then looks at Todd with a smile, "Todd, tell me. Did you see her? Did she read the letter?"

Yes", grins Todd, "and yes"

"And?", prompts Forge.

""She's coming to Paris!", grins Todd, watching as Forge does a happy dance.

"…Disturbing", blinks Hank.

"Well, did she give you anything for me in return?", asks Forge, "did dhe…did she give you a letter?"

Todd grimaces slightly.

"Or a token?", tries Forge, "Did she give me a token? She did. Well? what is it, Todd? Come on, give it to me!"

"The laws of cartoons should prove you should never say 'give it to me'", says Hank.

Todd grimaces, glancing around, before giving Forge a kiss on the lips, then turning away spitting.

"Told you", says Hank.

Forge blinks, mildly disgusted for a moment, before realising what it meant, grinning happily.

"Yes! Yeah!"

"…Maybe it is true about Toads and their drug-like qualities", blinks Hank, as Forge dances around happily.

We move to later that evening, where the group are in a pub (or whatever they are called in France).

"Cinquante", says Kurt, "That's a nice, round number"

With that, he makes his way back to the table with the others on.

"All right", he says, "the vager he vishes to make is that a Frenchman and not Sir Forgeich vill vin the tournament"

Freddy glances over to where Remy is on another table, giving them a wave.

"Yes, we know he isn't French", says Hank, "but he's the closest thing we have"

"However", adds Kurt, "the amount is 50 florins"

"That's all we got", points out Wanda.

"Yes", says Kurt, "and if ve had 60, the bet vouls be 60"

Even money", says Freddy, "But Forgeich against every Frenchman here?"

"Come on!", whines Kurt, "He's von four tournaments in a row, and again Logan isn't here"

"I check shields too", says Freddy, "Duncan Mathews is here, Count Teryn of Chartres, Petronette of Burgundy. All three French champions"

"And Englishman will not with this French tournament", slurs Remy drunkenly form his table, "English legs are unsteady on French soil"

"…Forge isn't English", says Hank, "…and who said you could have alcohol"

"Dis is a bar, isn't it?", blinks Remy.

"Shut your mouth, alright!", snaps Todd as Remy imitates a chicken, "come on, Freddy, it's a good bet!. Win, and I can buy my own tavern"

"I could vrite full-time", says Kurt.

"And a forge for me", says Wanda, then blinks, "the building, not the person….definitely not the person"

"….Hey", blinks Forge from backstage.

"And because French wine is too much for English bellies", taunts Remy some more

"All right!", snaps Todd, standing up, "I'm about this fonging close, mate. I swear, Quasimodo…."

"Listen", says Freddy, "all I want is to go home, and I already have enough to make that trip a hundred times"

"And most importantly", continues Remy, "because the pope himself is French!"

Freddy frowns.

"Well, the pope may be Frenhc, but Jesus is English", he says, "you're on!"

The team cheer.

"And he won't lose", says Fredyd, "not with the princess watching him"

Kurt starts up a drinking song, as is customary for his Germanic race.

**He's smart**

**He's pissed**

The others join in drunkenly.

**He'll see you in the lists**

**Lichtenstein**

**Lichtenstein**

**He's smart**

**He's tan**

**He comes from Gelderland**

**He comes from Gelderland**

**Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderland**

**Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderlaaaaand.**

**&&&&&&&**

We'll leave them get drunk as we go to…the next chapter! 


	12. Winning and losing

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Now, would you like me to call you a cab or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?"

**&&&&&**

ACT 12 – Winning and losing

**&&&&&**

We open outside of Notre Dame cathedral, where Forge is standing outside.

**Sing the bells, bells, bells**

"Wrong movie!", snaps Hank.

We see Storm waiting inside.

"Do you think he will come?", she asks Dani

"As sure as the sun will rise", says Dani, "he's stupid like that"

Sure enough, Forge enters.

"You favour cathedrals", he says.

"I come for confession", says Storm, "even if this isn't my religion.. and the glass. A riot of colour in a dreary, grey world, don't you think?"

"It's beautiful", says Forge, looking at Storm, rather than the window.

"I feel the same way about the letter you sent", smiles Storm, "Speak to me. Speak those words"

Uh oh. Forge is in trouble.

"I'm going to win this tournament for you", he finally says.

"Excuse me?", blinks Storm.

"This tournament. I'll win it in your name", nods Forge, "Every knight I defeat, I defeat for you. Your beauty will be reflected in the power of my arms, the flanks of my horse"

"..Not one for poetry, are you, Forge?", chuckles Hank.

"Wow", says Storm, her voice **dripping** in sarcasm, "Really? Really? It's flanks?"

She shakes her head, beginning to walk away. Forge blinks, following after her.

"I wish to hear poetry, Forgeich", says Storm.

"Oh", Forge winces, "Well….I'm not ready"

"But I am", says Storm, "and why must everything for a woman be run on a man's schedule?"

"Well", stammers Forge, "A…a man's day is fuller..And, well, y…you see, a man….he has more demands on his time"

"You're digging yourself your own grave, Forge", points out Hank, "sans shovel"

"Is that so?", growls Storm, thunder starting up outside.

"Yes", says Forge, then blinks, "…….maybe…..No?"

"You're the worlds slowest genius", quips Hank (1)

"I demand poetry", says Storm, raising her voice, "and when I want it…and I want it now"

"..Got a bit of a Goddess complex again, 'Ro?", blinks Forge, then tries his best, "Your breasts…"

"Oh Gods, not that again", groans Hank.

"They're below your throat", continues Forge, "where…"

He sighs as Storm walks away, following after her.

"Ororo, how may I prove my love to you?", he asks, "How?"

Storm stops, turning to glare at him.

"Do you ask in earnest?", she asks.

"Yes", says Forge

Storm frowns.

"If you would prove your love, you should do your worst"

Forge blinks.

"My worst?", he asks, "what do you mean?"

"Instead of winning to honour me with your high reputation", says Storm, "I want you to act against your normal character and do badly"

"So badly?", asks Forge.

"Lose", nods Storm.

"Losing proves nothing!", yelps Forge, "except that I'm a loser!"

"**Wrong!**", snaps Storm, rounding on him, making him back away from her wrath, "Losing is a much keener test of your love. Losing would contradict your self-love, and losing would show your obedience to your lover and not yourself!"

"Obedience?", asks Hank, "I really don't want to know what your guys sex life must be like. Seesh"

Nick walks over, trying to stop the shouting in the cathedral.

"Shh", he says, "Shh, woman, shh"

"**DO NOT 'SHH' ME!", **shouts Storm,** "**and spare him! Now begone!** Go!"**

Nick whimpers.

"You're on your own", he says to Forge, making a break for it.

"What is your answer?", asks Storm, glaring back at Forge.

"I will not lose!", says Forge stubbornly.

"Then you do not love me", says Storm equally stubbornly.

Forge narrows his eyes, muttering under his breath as her stamps out, Storm stamping off in the other direction.

"….Well, at least there wasn't any bloodshed this time", muses Hank.

We go to the next day, where Kurt is calling Forge onto the jousting match.

"The protector of Italian virginity, the lance, that thrilled France", he says, "the harasser of Parasser! He gave them hell at La Rochelle! The enforcer of our Lord God! The one, the only, Sir Fffffforrrrgeiiich von Lichtensteeeein!"

The crowd burst into cheers.

"God, I'm good!", grins Kurt.

As Forge is getting prepared, he glances to where Storm is watching miserably from her box with Dani.

"His horse's flanks", groans Storm

"Maybe where he comes from it means love", says Dani, then sighs, "but considering I come from there too, I can tell you, it's not"

Rogue waves her flag and Duncan charges. Forge goes a little way, then stops dead.

"What are you doing!", squeaks Freddy.

"Losing", sighs Forge

"I don't understand!", says Freddy.

"Well, neither do I", admits Forge.

Storm stands, going to the edge of her box to watch as Duncan ploughs into the motionless Forge, making a hit. The crowd, realising something is up, begin to boo.

"Oh, he loves me", smiles Storm, despite the fact Forge is getting the snot beaten out of him

"Uh, are you blind?", asks Kurt, walking over, "Didn't you see the flag?"

"Kurt, I saw it, okay?", says Forge

"I know, I know", says Todd, suddenly grinning, "You want to drop behind for a more dramatic victory. Yeah"

"Look", sighs Forge, "Ororo told me I should lose to prove my love"

Everyone blinks.

"Oh, God", groans Kurt, walking away, "I'd rather you vere blind"

"Don't' be foolish, Forge", says Freddy, "Each woman wants proof, that's all"

"Proof of what?", asks Forge as Todd snarls, pointing at Wanda is if it's her fault.

"Don't point at me, frog boy", snaps Wanda.

"That their legs have not been uncrossed for nothing", whispers Freddy.

"Freddy", says Forge, "I haven't uncrossed her legs"

"Nice metaphor for doing the dirty", smiles Hank.

"Then why in the name of Saint Swithin are we doing this?", yells Todd, trying to control **the rage**.

"Because", says Forge lamely

Everyone jumps out of the way as Duncan charges again, hitting Forge dead on once more.

"Because, I love her", says Forge as they go back to him.

Bobby appears once again with a mic, beginning to sing.

"Oh God, no", sighs Hank.

**Never met a girl who could make me feel the way that you do**

As Bobby sings, we see Forge getting pummelled by lances multiples times.

**Whenever I'm, asked what makes my dreams real**

**I tell them it's you**

**You're outta sight**

**So fiddley dee fiddley dum**

**Look out, baby, 'cause here I come**

**I'm bringing you a love that's true**

**Get ready, get ready**

**To start makin' love to you**

**Get ready**

We see Todd being held back by Wanda and Freddy as he tries to kill Kurt.

"I'm gonna lose everything!", he snaps.

"That's vhy it's called gambling", says Kurt.

Todd screams leaping from Freddy and Wanda, starting to beat up Kurt.

"It's very romantic, though", smiles Wanda

"Are you a woman or a blacksmith?", asks Freddy, blinking.

"Sometimes I'm both", smirks Wanda.

"Ohh, that chafes!", yelps Kurt.

"Put him down", sighs Freddy.

We move to half-time, where Forge's real arm is in a vice-thing, which Todd is twisting with some relish, trying to pop Forge's shoulder back into place.

"No one knight has distanced himself with victories yet", says Kurt, "If you vin all your remaining matches, and some of your opponents take key losses…vho knows? You could make the semis. Even the finals"

"At least the armour's proven itself", grumbles Wanda

"And your love?", asks Todd, "Have you proven that yet?"

He gives the winch a rather cruel twist, making Forge yelp.

"Ouch!", says Forge, "Todd, you remember church as a boy. The fear, the passion. That's what she makes me feel. And for that, I say my rosary to Ororo and no one else"

"Forge, that's blasphemous", says Todd, twisting the vice as Forge's shoulder pops back into place with a crunch.

"Oww", whimpers Forge, "Then may I burn in hell, a hell I don't believe in"

"Withdraw", says Freddy, "Lose that way. Just don't take any more punishment"

Suddenly, Dani appears, Freddy getting his stupid goofy grin again.

"My lady sends this message", says Dani, "She says that if you love her…."

"Look, I know, I know", snaps Forge, "I must lose. Is she not watching, huh?"

"She says that if you love her", smirks Dani, "you will not lose another match. She says, that if you love her, you will win this tournament"

Forge twitches.

"Women!"

We go to the next match, where Forge is getting ready, Storm waiting and watching from her box.

"There she is", says Kurt, "the embodiment of love, your Venus"

"And how I hate her", grumbles Forge, grabbing his lance and riding off.

"Yeah!", cheers Todd as Forge wins another match, "I don't understand women"

"Nor do I", says Kurt, "But they understand us…maybe not you"

Todd narrows his eyes as Freddy cheers form the sidelines next to Wanda.

"Women, eh?", he says as Wanda gives him a glare

Forge makes another hit, Teryn's helmet flying into the crowd, who catch it as if it were a football. Forge is back on game!

**&&&&&**

(1) – Mystique recently called Forge this in the Ultimate X-Men books. Tee hee.

Wee, such fun! Do review, Until next time…


	13. Oh, the innuendoes

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Come child labour. Kids. I mean kids"

**&&&&**

ACT 13 – Oh, the innuendoes

**&&&&**

We open in the bar, where Kurt is gleefully taking Remy's money off him.

"Gambit never loses", mutters Remy, "dis sucks"

"Forty eight, forty nine, and fifty", smiles Kurt, counting his money, "Thank you very much, Remy. It's been excellent doing business vith you"

"Choke and die on a hairball", growls Remy.

"Do look us up if you're ever in Bayville", smiles Kurt, "The world championships, maybe"

Remy twitches.

"Oh, come on. Don't look so sad", grins Kurt, "Here, have a drink on me"

Kurt tosses Remy a coin, walking out happily, singing.

**He's quick**

**He's funny**

**He makes me loads of money**

**Lichtenstein**

**Lichtenstein**

He pauses outside, noticing Storm heading towards Forge's tent

"Guinevere comes to Lancelot", he muses, "Bed him vell, my lady, Bed him vell"

"Bow chicka wow wow, Bow chika wow wow", says Jamie, appearing from nowhere.

"Stop that", snaps Hank, "you have a filthy mind for a thirteen year old!"

Inside, Forge is nursing his many injuries in bed as Storm appears on one side of a curtain.

"We missed you at banquet, Sir Forgeich", she says.

"We?", asks Forge

Storm sighs, walking through, pushing the curtain aside.

"I, Ororo, your prize", she frowns, "I **AM NOT A PRIZE!**"

"Yes, we are very aware of that, Ororo", says Hank, wincing.

"My prize", chuckles Forge, "I am not worthy of a prize….I think I've had too many blows to the head"

"Then who is?", asks Storm, cocking her head to the side, "My maid tells me that sometimes your varlets, that they call you Forge. Is this so, Sir Forgeich?"

Forge looks incredibly guilty.

""Yes, yes it is so"

Instead of killing him, Storm smiles, crawling up the bed to crouch next to him.

"Bow chika wow wow!", says Jamie.

"Jamie, stop it!", snaps Hank.

"Your name makes no matter to me", says Storm.

"That's good, considering he doesn't have one", quips Hank

Storm gives Hank a glare, before taking Forge's hand.

"Just so long as I can call you my own"

"Oh, but Ororo, I am your own", says Forge, "…you have a nasty habit of frying any competition"

Storm smiles, leaning over to kiss him, before Forge winces, holding his injured side.

"Oww, damn, girl", he says, "pain…"

"You need a surgeon!", yelps Storm.

"Well, he's been", says Forge, "He says I will live though it doesn't feel that way"

"The old 'I might not last 'til morning' routine", says Hank, "what woman falls for that?"

"Aww, Forge, This pain is my doing", says Storm sadly.

"…That woman", says Jamie helpfully.

"Yes, it is", says Forge, then sighs, sitting up, "Although, my father, who isn't my real father, but still…"

"Get on with it!", snaps Hank, "some of us have packs of twinkies to get to!"

"He taught me to take the bas with the good", says Forge

Storm smiles, giving him another kiss.

"Well, this good you speak of", she says.

"Yes?", smirks Forge, perking up at the prospect of getting some.

"It will be my doing as well", says Storm.

"I** bet** it will!", grins Jamie, "Puuurrrr"

We change scene to later that night, where the group are standing on a boat moving across the reservoir in Dark Hollow, being pulled across by Juggeraught using a chain thing. Everyone is politely ignoring the smile of bliss Forge is wearing.

"How long since any of you've been back?", asks Kurt, referring to Bayville, "I've only been gone six months"

"Two years for me", says Wanda

"Three years for my eyes", sighs Todd

"Five", says Freddy, "Five long years"

Forge begins to stare off into space, his smile dropping.

"Forge?", asks Kurt

"Twelve", says Forge, "Twelve years"

We move once again into a flashback sequence. Hold on tight, and keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times.

_FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK_

We are on the same boat, but 12 years earlier, a younger Juggernaught still pulling his rope.

"Talk about being stuck in a job for a long time", he mutters, "He's to be an apprentice, then?"

Xavier nods, chibi-Forge sitting next to him.

"How long for?", asks Juggernaught

"Seven years", sighs Xavier sadly

They soon dock on the other side, by Dark Hollow, rather than on the Bayville side. Xavier wheels off, followed by chibi-Forge. They walk over to where Warren, now resurrected, is waiting.

"Bear in mind, he shites himself to death", giggles Hank.

"…Thanks for that", mutters Warren.

"Sir Worthington?", asks Xavier, Warren turning to look at him, "I'm the thatcher"

"How?" blinks Warren, "you're in a wheelchair"

"There's a thing called equal opportunities", sniffs Xavier, "I spoke to you outside Bayville Stadium"

"Oh yes, I remember", nods Warren, looking at chibi-Forge, "Is this the boy?"

"The boy that's ten years your elder? Yeah", mutters chibi-Forge

"Well, step forward, son", says Warren, "Lets have a look at you"

There us a clanking of metal behind them

"Careful with that, Freddy!", snaps Warren

Chibi-Freddy winces, going back to loading the cart.

Warren shakes his head, the looks at chibi-Forge.

"Are you afraid of me, boy?

"Am I afraid of an overgrown-cherub?", snorts chibi-Forge, "let me think…."

"Have you got most of your teeth?", asks Warren, chibi-Forge giving a grin, showing them off, "Show me your arm. You got a strong arm?"

"I fell like a cow in a cattle market", mutters chibi-Forge, flexing his chibi-arm.

Warren sighs, glancing at Xavier.

"Well, he's a half-starved little scarecrow", he says, "but he's got spirit"

"Thanks", says chibi-Forge, "we call it peace and love"

"I can show you a great wide world, full of adventure, and marvels that you do not yet dream of", says Warren, "Can you pack my horse and lead it?"

Chibi-Forge gives a nod.

"Well, come one", says Warren, "Say goodbye to your father. Let's get started"

Chibi-Forge mutters under his breath going to say goodbye to his 'father'.

"He's a real knight, forge", says Xavier, giving him a hug, "Watch and learn all you can. It's all I can do for you, son"

"You never did anything like that for me", whimpers Lucas

"Now go", says Xavier, ignoring his real son, "change your stars, and live a better life than I have"

Xavier nods at Warren, who returns the gesture, then wheels back to the boat.

"Freddy, show the boy his duties", says Warren as chibi-Forge runs after Xavier, stopping by the banks as the boat moves away.

"Father, I'm afraid"

"Of what?", calls Xavier.

"I won't know the way back home", says Forge sadly.

"Don't be foolish, Forge", says Xavier, "You just follow your feet…I know I can't"

Xavier gives a wave and the flashback ends

ENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACK

We are back to normal time, the guys on the boat as it nears Bayville

"Bayville", says Freddy, looking up as they near it

The others look up in joy to see it.

**&&&&&**

Homeward they go, click on! 


	14. Home

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Ah, this is one of those 'I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits' movies"

**&&&&&**

ACT 14 –Home

**&&&&&**

We open in Bayville, where the knights are headed for the championship in a parade. Bobby appears with his trusty mic.

**Guess who just got back today**

**Those wild-eyed boys that has been away**

**Haven't changed **

**Haven't much to say**

Team Forge are also in the crowd, holding up banners with their phoenix insignia as Forge rides on Jott.

"The phoenix will live again!", cries Jean.

**But, man, I still think them cats are great**

**They were askin' if you were around**

**How you was where you could be found**

**I told 'em you were livin' downtown**

**Driving all the old men crazy**

**The boys are back in town**

**The boys are back in town**

**The boys are back in town**

**The boys are back in town**

Forge smiles, noticing Leech on the very stocks he used to watch the parade on as a boy. leech waves and a mini flashback shows chibi-Forge waving at himself. Needless to say, this freaks Forge out, and he chooses to ride on.

"Forgeich, Forgeich, Forgeich", chant the crowd, as women lean out their windows, screaming at him to father their children, disturbing Forge even more.

Spread the world around

Guess who's back in town

Friday night they'll be dressed to kill

Down at Dino's Bar and Grill

The drink will flow and blood will spill

If they boys want to fight you'd better let 'em

**The boys are back in town**

**The boys are back in town**

**The boys are back in town**

"I have news", says Kurt, _bamfing_ over to Forge, "Logan is here. He's entered"

"He must have grown bored with whatever war they were fighting", says Freddy

"No, no", says Kurt, "The Black Prince commanded it. He was forced to disband his arms. They were revelling the night, pillaging town after town, robbing and murdering and ransacking churches"

"Committing the oldest sins in the newest ways", smirks Logan, riding up next to Forge, "At last we'll have a chance to face each other again, Sir Forgeich. And at the world championship"

"As I promised you before, Logan", growls Forge, "You will look up at me from the flat of your back"

"Keep dreamin', Gear-Head", says Logan, then notices Forge and Storm sharing that secret 'we did it last night' grin, from where Storm is sitting in her box, "Let the past die. You've done well in my absence. On the field and off, so I'm told. Winning trophies, horses, women"

"Do you put them in that order?", asks Forge

"Generally. with a few exceptions", says Logan with a nod, then looks at Logan, "Beautiful, isn't she? A real thoroughbred trophy"

Logan winces as lighting hits inches away from him.

"You speak of Ororo like she is a target", says Forge

"Isn't she?", asks Logan, ducking another lighting bolt.

"No", says Forge, "She is the arrow"

Logan shakes his ehad.

"Stupid hippie-zen", he mutters, then smirks, "I've entered into negotiations with her father. I'm to make her my bride"

Forge looks away gritting his teeth, trying not to kill Logan as he talks.

"Oh, she'll be saddled", says Logan, "and placed on my mantle. Target or arrow, it makes no difference. I will have her"

Forge twitches again, then looks up as the crowd once again chant his name. We move into the next match, where, once again, Forge wins. Logan watches from the stands, next to Mr. Pryde.

"How would you beat him?", he asks.

"With a stick, when he slept", says Mr. Pryde, "But on a horse? With a lance? That man is unbeatable"

Logan narrows his eyes as the scene changes to later, Forge riding Jott down the streets of Bayville in a downpour.

"Thanks for annoying Storm, Logan", mutters Hank

Forge stops to look at Rahne, who is playing with a fake lance at the side.

"I'm a little girl, now?", she complains.

"We'd have used Torpid, but she doesn't speak", says Hank with a shrug

"Hello, there"

Rahne blinks at him, then her eyes widen.

"You're….you\re Sir Forgeich von Lichtenstein", she says.

"Yes", smiles Forge

"You're my favourite knight!", grins Rahne, "When we joust, I always say I'm you"

Forge grins, loving the admiration.

"What're you doing here in Bayville?", she asks, "There's no parade today"

Forge glances around to see if anyone is watching before looking at Rahne.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"I'm a teenaged girl, so nae", says Rahne.

Forge gets off his horse, walking over to her.

"I was born in Bayville", he says, "Actually, I was born in a Cheyenne Reservation in Montana…"

"Forge", growls Hank.

"Just around the corner there", says Forge, pointing.

"Truly, Sir Forgeich?", asks Rahne, wide-eyed.

"Truly", nods Forge

"I only live just there", says Rahne, pointing.

"How old are you?", asks Forge

"Fourteen", says Rahne, then winces as Hank jumps up and down, "I mean, Nine and one-half"

"Nine and one-half", repeats Forge, adding insult to injury, "I wonder if you remember a man. Though he may have died before you were born. He was as tall as a knight….if he could stand. His name was Charles Thatcher"

"Of course I remember him", says Rahne.

"You do?", asks Forge, hopefully

"Well, yeah, he lives there still", says Rahne, "Sometimes we see him sitting at the window, but no one knows why"

"What do you mean?", blinks Forge.

"He's blind, Sir", says Rahne sadly.

"I'm paralysed **and **blind?", asks Xavier, off screen, "oh that's nice!"

We cut to Xavier's house, where Forge hovers by the entrance, where Xavier is making a fishing net

"Is someone there?", asks Xavier, "Well, if you're here for the net, I haven't finished yet. Come back tomorrow"

Forge watches in silence.

"Who are you?", asks Xavier, obviously getting creeped out.

"A knight", says Forge, "My name is Forgeich"

"Forgeich?", asks Xavier, "I hear that name being chanted form the stadium. What business have you here?"

"I have word, Master Thatcher", says Forge, "Word of your son"

"Of my Forge?", says Xavier, dropping his work, "Come in, sir! What word? Does he live?"

"Aye, he lives", says Forge, then blinks, "damnit, Rahne's Scottish brogue rubbed off on me! He is very well. He wanted you to know that he changed his stars after all"

Xavier gives a sob.

"Aww, touching scene", says Hank, "keep the onions coming, this'll win me an Emmy!"

"And has he followed his feet?", asks Xavier, "Has he found his way home at last?"

"Yes", says Forge, walking over to give him a hug, "Father"

"You never hug me", sniffs Lucas, appearing from nowhere, "and you wonder why I hate you"

We move later at night, the rain still pelting down. Forge and Xavier are having a meal as Forge tells him of his adventures thus far.

"I should like to meet this Todd", says Xavier, "and Freddy as well"

"You will, Father, you will", chuckles Forge

"And what of women?", grins Xavier, "Is there a certain one, or many?"

"There is a certain one", says Forge

"Hmm", says Xavier, "I should like to meet her as well"

"Dirty old man", says Forge, "You're worse than Naze" (1)

Forge glances up at the leaky roof.

"Oh, but this leak won't do, Father", he says, "Not in the chamber of a thatcher"

"For a blind, wheelchair-bound thacther, it's quite fitting", says Xavier

"Well, a thatcher I am", nods Forge, "I'll fix it for you"

Outside, we see Logan waiting in the shadows, watching the house as Forge climbs out of the window, too overjoyed at the prospect of fixing something to notice him. Logan smirks, Forge has been rumbled.

**&&&&&**

(1) – For those not familiar with the comics, Naze is the man that pretty much brought Forge up. When Naze first met Ororo, his earliest thought were 'If I were twenty years younger, I'd give Forge a run for his money', or something along those lines. Naze rules.

Uh oh, not good!. Do review. Until next time….


	15. With the pigs

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away, away"

**&&&&**

ACT 15 – With the pigs

**&&&&**

We open later on, with Wanda fitting on Forge's armour, tas he rambled on about Xavier.

"Alive", he says, "Can you imagine? And I thought he was dead"

"That's nice", mutters Xavier backstage.

"Which is mad", adds Forge, "'Cause he was always so strong. Very strong. I remember…"

He trailed off as Kurt and Storm arrive.

"Kurt, Ororo!", he grins, "This day just gets better and better"

He pauses, noticing Kurt looking very serious…which is never considered a 'good thing'.

"Somebody die?", asks Freddy

"Sir Forgeich von Lichtenstein", says Kurt.

Forge arches a brow.

"…What?"

"Logan followed you last night", says Storm, "to Bayville. He says he saw your father"

Forge as a 'oh crap' moment.

"Forge, they asked me for your patents", says Kurt, "They're vaiting for you in the lists. They're gonna arrest you. A dozen royal guards. They'll put you in the stocks"

"But I face Logan in five minutes' time!", protests Forge

"No, you forfeit", says Kurt, "They've already marked it down"

"Saddle the horses", says Freddy, "They can arrest your baggage, not you"

Forge blinks at Storm.

"Halt", he says, stopping everyone, then holds his arms out to either side, looking at Storm, "So, what do you think? Now that you know what I am"

"Oh, to know what you are, Forge, would take a lifetime", sighs Storm.

"Amen", mutters Hank.

"One I am willing to give", says Storm, "But right now, you've got to run. There is nothing else to do. Run, and I will run with you"

"Ororo, I cannot run", says Forge stubbornly, "I'm a knight, and I will put myself to the hazard"

"A knight in your heart", says Freddy, "but not on paper, and paper's all that matters to them"

"Forge, I love you", says Storm, "..I love you: You."

"Awwww", says Hank

"And I'm sorry, but I won't see you led away bound for the stocks", she says, equally stubbornly.

"Oh, but you will see me run?", asks Forge, "No1"

"…I wonder what it's like having a relationship based on the fact neither party will back down for anything?", murmurs Hank

"Damn your pride, Forge", says Storm, "It is you and only you that will not see you run"

"My pride is the only thing they can't take from me!", says Forge.

"But they **can** take it from you!", argues Storm, "They can and they will. Oh, they will. But love they cannot take"

"And where will we live?", asks Forge, "In my hovel? With the pigs in winter so they won't freeze?"

"Yes, Forge, with the pigs", sighs Storm, "With the pigs"

"…….You two have a very strange….", Hank shakes his head, "I'm not sure what to call it exactly.."

"The poor can marry for love", says Storm.

"Oh, Ororo, you speak of what you do not know!", says Forge.

"Forge, I beg you", says Storm, "Please. Run. Do it for love"

Forge does his muttering thing, then looks at Freddy.

"Freddy, you would see me run?"

"Why pick on me?", asks Freddy, then looks away, nodding.

Forge blinks, then looks at Kurt.

"And you, Kurt?"

"Yes, I wish it too", says Kurt, "vith all the pieces of my heart"

Forge is getting desperate.

"Todd?", he tries, "You and I, we aren't runners"

Todd chuckles, then sighs.

"Yes", he says, "Forge, today, we are"

Forge glances over at Wanda, who frowns.

"Run, Forge"

"Everyone's ganging up on me!", says Forge, "No! I **will not run!**. I'm a knight"

"No one ask our opinion then", sniffs Jean.

"But we would have told him the same thing", points out Scott.

"It's the principle, Scott!", snaps Jean.

"….Yes, Dear"

There is that ominous silence for a moment or two.

"Well, boys", sighs Freddy, "all good things must come to an end. Let's end 'em together"

We change scene, to where Forge and the rest are entering the jousting field.

Evan walks over, followed by a bunch of guards.

"…I figured it'd be him to get me", mutters Forge.

"You will remove yourself form this position of honour", says Evan

"I'm here to compete", says Forge

"You are here to be arrested", says Evan

The guards go off after Forge, while Jott has a spazz.

"You should have run, you stupid hippie!", shouts Scott.

Logan watches this with a smirk, as Kelly frowns.

We move later in the prison, where Forge's arms are tied behind his back to a wooden pole on his shoulders.

"This is incredibly uncomfortable", says Forge.

Logan steps into the cell, ready for his evil moment.

"He that strives to touch a star", he says, "oft stumbles at a simple straw"

Logan holds up a straw and crumbles it. Forge, maintaining his dignity, keeps silent.

"You have been weighed", says Logan, then launches a punch at Forge's gut.

"Oww!", says Forge, "Geez, not so hard!"

"Sorry", says Logan, "I'm used to punching for real, not fake ones. You have been measured"

Another punch.

"And you have been found wanting", Logan adds, giving another punch.

"I'll 'fix' your motorbike later for that one", mutters Forge.

"It's one loss or another, Forge", says Logan, "In what would could you have beaten me?"

"In that Exiles one where I was the leader of the world?", asks Forge. (1)

Logan smirks, giving Forge one more punch in the guy before stalking out, leaving Forge in his cell.

"Medic", gasps Forge.

**&&&&&&&**

(1) – Exiles: Legacy world. Forge was the leader of the Vi-loxs, and had control of the planet….He was very evil.


	16. ReuKnighted

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here"

**&&&&&**

ACT 16 – ReuKnighted

**&&&&&**

We open the next morning with Forge stuck in the stocks, surrounded by a crowd of angry Bayvillians.

"Again, I'm uncomfortable", he complains

Leech runs from the crowd and swats Forge on the head, causing more cheering.

"I feel horrible and dirty", says Leech.

Suddenly, Freddy appears going to stand next to Forge, holding a big stick.

"Leave, Freddy", sighs Forge, "Let them have me"

"God love you, Forge", says Freddy, "So do I"

"….Thanks for sharing", blinks Forge

"Go! Disperse!", shouts Todd as he hops over, "Or I will fong you!"

Wanda arrives, holding her blacksmithing hammers, taking the other side of Forge.

"You know I'll use these", she growls as Todd continues his rant.

"A Jesus Christ the Nazaree and his most holy mother the Virgin Mary ate my witnesses, **I will fong you!**. I will rip you fist and pain!"

Todd lets **the rage** take over, making various kicking and punching motions.

"Stick my fist and break you!", he shouts, "**PAIN! Lots of pain!**"

This only makes the crowd more angry, as Kurt _bamfs_ in.

"We're in trouble", whispers Todd.

"Listen to me!", shouts Kurt above the din.

A lettuce appears out of nowhere, smacking Kurt in the head.

"Oh, they've opened the salad bar?", asks Forge, "…oh…sorry, wrong role" (1)

"Listen to me!", tries Kurt again, not getting anywhere.

Suddenly, three suspiciously clocked people remove their hoods, revealing Pietro, with Lucas and Bobby, who for once, isn't singing. Pietro giggles, swaying a little, running the moment.

"…What's wrong with him?", asks Hank

"He got drunk", sighed Lucas, "Damn idiot can't hold his drink"

**Bye, bye, bye Delilah**, sings/slurs Pietro, **why, why, why Delilah! **(2)

"…Oh dear", sighs Hank, "Pietro please sober up"

"I am", blinks Pietro.

"…..Ahh how I love high-speed metabolisms", smiles Hank.

The crowd fall silent, noticing Pietro as he steps up to Forge, leaning down to look at him.

"What a pair we make, huh?", he asks, "Both trying to hide who we are. Both unable to do so"

He glances over at Team Forge, still holding their weapons.

"Your men love you", says Pietro.

"Hey!", snaps Wanda, "who're you calling a man?"

Pietro winces as his twin waves a hammer in his direction.

"…I mean, your men and Wanda love you", he says, "If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough. But you should also tilt when you should withdraw"

"….There's that slash again", murmurs Hank.

Pietro squicks in Hank's direction.

"And that is knightly too", he says, "Release him"

The guards do as they're told, releasing Forge from the stocks.

"Oww, my back", groans Forge, cricking his neck.

Pietro turns to address the crowd.

"He may appear to be of humble origins", he says, "But my personal historians have discovered that he is descendent form an ancient royal line. This is my word, and as such is beyond contestation….ooooh I like that!"

The crowd mutters as Pietro walks over to Forge.

"No, if I may repay the kindness you once showed me", says Pietro, "Take a knee"

"…That might not be the best plan with all the rumours", mutters Forge, before Freddy shoves him onto one knee.

Pietro draws his sword.

"…It the way Todd Fan types it", says Hank, "she's got her mind in the gutter!"

"By the power vested in me by my father, King Magneto", says Pietro, ignoring the 'wee' from Magneto backstage, "and by all the witnesses here, I dub thee Sir Forge"

The does the sword tappy shoulder thing and the crowd cheers.

"Arise, Sir Forge", says Pietro, helping Forge up, "can you joust?"

"What?", blinks Forge, still a little stunned with the knighting and all.

"There's my tournament to finish", smiles Pietro, "Now, are you fit to compete, or shall the forfeit stand?"

"No, I'm fit", says Forge

"I shall have your opponent informed of it", smiles Pietro, "You look for his shield on the lists. At once"

Team Forge usher Forge away as the crowd cheers. We cut to the field, where Pietro goes to sit in his box, next to Tabby, his princess.

"…Why am I paired with this guy again?", whines Tabby.

Dani is also there, without Storm.

"My lords, my ladies", says Kelly, then tries to do what Kurt did, failing, "and…..all you other people. I give you the son of Phillipe de Vitry, son of Gilles of Champagne, master of the free companies…"

As he does this, Logan gets ready, checking his new lance.

"Are you sure?", he says, glancing at Viper.

"Yes", she says, "It's nothing but spun sugar and boot black"

Logan crushes the metallic-looking hand on the end of his lance, revealing it has been sharpened into a sharp point. Ooooh evil Logan!. On the other side, Forge is getting ready.

"It's a small target, Forge", says Kurt, "But aim for his heart".

Forge glances in the boxes at Dani, wondering where Storm is, Dani merely shrugs helplessly.

"I'm not her keeper", she replies.

"Count Llllllllloooooogan!", says Kelly, getting a cheer and grinning like an idiot.

"He stole my bit!", says Kurt.

Rogue waves her flag and they race at each other. Logan makes a good hit, making Forge ride back to the others, the tip of the lance stuck in his chest.

"Oww", he says.

"Oh God, I'll fetch the surgeon", says Freddy.

"Freddy, you're the surgeon now", says Forge.

"….Okay, if you say so", shrugs Freddy, pulling the lance piece out.

"Todd Fan would like to say you should never pull an object out of a wound unless it is done in the hospital by a doctor, as this will make the blood flow where the object otherwise stopped it", says Hank, "……She was a member of St.Johns, this stuff is stuck in her head"

The team look at the tipped lance head.

"He's tipped it!", growls Wanda.

"Wanda, get me back to one", winces Forge, "Back to one or we forfeit"

As Wanda leads Jott and Forge away, Kurt and Todd look at the tipped lance.

"Dirty son of a bitch!", growls Todd

Freddy hands Forge a new lance, Forge wincing, glaring at Logan from the other end of the field. Rogue waves her flag and they charge again. Forge, in pain, drops his lance, Logan smacking his lance into Forge's chest again, nearly knocking him off Jott.

"I can't breathe, I can't breathe", gasps Forge as Wanda helps him out of his chest armour.

Logan rides over and smirks.

"As I said, thatcher", he says, "In what world could you have ever beaten me?. Such a place does not exist"

"She's here, Forge", says Kurt, _bamfing _over, "And so is your father"

Forge glances at the box, where Storm is sitting next to Xavier.

"Change your stars", whispers Forge, then looks at Logan, "Let's dance, you and I"

"…I don't dance with other men", says Logan, riding off.

"It's two lances to none", says Freddy, "You must unhorse him or kill him. It's the only way to win"

Forge winces as Wanda finishes removing his chest armour.

"You need more padding", she says.

"No, leave it off", says Forge, "I can't breathe with it on. Lance"

"Yes?", says Lance form inside Lancitty on the other end of the field, "Oh..not me"

Todd sighs, handing Forge his lance, Forge yelping and letting go.

"God, I can barely grip it", he says, then gets a plan, "Lash it to my arm"

Todd looks like he's gone loopy.

"Todd, lash it to my arm", says Forge again, "it's my false one, anyway"

"Do as he says", sighs Freddy

Kurt notices this happening, just as Rogue is about to wave her flag. Kurt _bamfs_ into the box quickly, giving Forge more time.

"Good people!", he shouts, "I missed my introduction!"

The crowd cheers as Rogue puts he flag down, letting him speak first.

"But please, please, I pray you, hear it now", continues Kurt, "For I vould lay rest the grace in my tongue and speak plain. Days like these are far too rare to cheapen vith heavy-handed vords. And so, I'm afraid, vithout any ado whatsoever.."

He steps past Pietro with a nod.

"Excuse me my lord", he says, then addresses the crowd, "Here he is! One of your own! Born a stone's throw form this very stadium, and here before you now, the son of Charles Thatcher, Sir Fooooorrrge Thatcher!"

Forge blinks up as the crowd cheers.

"That's you name, Forge", says Todd, "Sir Forge Thatcher. Your father heard that"

Forge glances up as a happy Xavier as Kurt smiles.

"God speed, Forge", he says.

Rogue waves he flag and in incredible slow-mo, Forge and Logan charge at each other.

"Foooooorge!", he shouts, charging at Logan, knocking him off Lancitty.

Logan has a weird moment, where he is lying down on the flat of his back, as each member of Team Forge appears above him.

"You have been weighed", says Todd

"You have been measured", says Freddy.

"And you absolutely..", says Wanda

"Have been found wanting", grins Kurt

"Welcome t the new world", chuckles Forge, "And God save you, if it is right that he should do so"

They vanish as Logan falls off Lancitty for real.

"Yes! Yes!", cheers Pietro, giving Tabby a passionate kiss.

"…..And I'm kissing him again!", whines Tabby.

"He's won!", Storm explains to blind Xavier, who's looking rather confused.

The crowd cheers, as does Team Forge, even Kelly claps for him.

"You beat him, Forge!", grins Freddy, as Forge goes over to his team.

Storm leave her box as the pair run over to one another randomly making out in the middle of the field.

"I'm gonna have to write some of this story down", says Kurt.

"The part about the prince and the knights?", asks Todd.

"No, no, no. All of it", says Kurt, "All human activity lies within the artists scope"

He looks at Todd, pausing to consider.

"Maybe not yours"

Todd looks ready to kill him, but instead settles for a rather rough strangle hold. Meanwhile, Forge and Storm are still in a lip lock.

"You guys going to break for air anytime soon?", asks Hank, "…no?...Oh..Okay then…."

After much kissing and the credits have rolled, we see Team Forge are sitting in a bar. Freddy smirks, making a loud fart. Not to be outdone, Kurt make a less loud one, but one that is long. Wanda gives an incredibly loud one. When it is Todd's turn however, he makes only a little toot.

"Your round!", they laugh.

"Bollocks", says Todd.

**THE END**

**&&&&**

(1) – Shameless plug. In Mutants in Tights, this is Forge's line when Remy gets pelted with vegetables.

(2) – Delilah, by Tom Jones. If you get a Welsh person drunk enough, eventually he/she will randomly burst into this song, often in a large group. Seriously. I've done it myself. We're an odd little people, aren't we?

We're not quite done yet! Click on for some of the movies deleted scenes also parodied, to give an even better idea for casting choices, and learn where Amanda's been hiding all this time…. 


	17. The lost scenes

Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by **filmmakers?**"

**&&&&**

ACT 17 – The lost scenes

**&&&&**

"It's rare Todd Fan parodies deleted scenes", says Hank, appearing again, "but her casting choices were influenced by them, so..here we go"

**The Phoenix Scene**

It is after Forge's very first victory, posing as Warren, where he, Freddy and Todd are sitting around a campfire at knight.

"We need a banner", says Forge, "Our emblem"

He looks at the fire in thought.

"I was thinking of a phoenix"

"….That holds some importance to me, I'm sure", frowns Jean, "there's a niggling feeling in the back of my mind"

"Oh, that was me trying to unhook your bra", admits Scott, "sorry"

"Why waste the money?", asks Freddy, "We have Sir Worthington's white stallion"

"Someone may recognise it", says Forge, "We need to be reborn. Like a phoenix, rising form the ashes"

"A lion", says Todd suddenly, "Lying down with his head raised!

"Nah", says Freddy, "Lion walking, right foot upraised"

Freddy makes a hand into a claw shape, adding a 'rarrh' for effect.

"Have it raised up on his hind legs", says Todd, "All of his weight on his left"

"No", says Freddy, "on the right. The weight is always on the right"

"No, everyone uses lions", says Forge, "Can't you see? The phoenix! It's end is it's beginning. Like myself"

"Oh, well if it's all about you", moans Freddy, "pick what you want. You're the knight. We're just humble servants"

"I meant a phoenix like the three of us", says Forge, "not just myself"

"Three phoenixes", says Todd.

Everyone nods in agreement.

"Three it is", smiles Forge

"And then maybe grasping in their talons a lion!", says Todd excitedly, Freddy and Forge rolling their eyes, "…Just think about it.."

"Clearly, they don't", smiles Hank, "as Forge's shield from then on in is three phoenixes"

**&&&&&**

**Jason Gets Punched**

"Later on in the championships, we see Logan getting ready for fighting, blinking over at Forge, where Freddy and Todd are trying to smack his broken armour back into shape around him.

"Kelly", says Logan

"My Lord?", asks Kelly, walking over.

"That knight there..being battered?", Logan nods at Forge.

"Triple phoenixes", says Kelly, looking through his papers, "Forgeich von Lichtenstein. Duke of Gelderland"

"Gelderland?", asks Logan.

"Well east of the..", Kelly pauses, looking at Logan's fist, not getting any close, "Rhine…I believe"

As Jason fits Logan's armour, he pulls a bit too tightly, Logan turns to blink at him, then punches him in the face.

"Oww!", says Jason, "geez, moody!"

Kelly smiles, glad it wasn't him.

**&&&&&**

**Kurt Has A Wife**

After their victory, Forge, Freddy, Todd and Wanda are walking through the camp when they notice a naked Kurt walking bay, tossing an apple in his hands. He looks around sneakily, before stepping into a barn. The team sigh, going after him.

"Kurt!", shouts Forge stepping inside, "I don't believe this! How much did you lose!"

Kurt blinks, confused.

"Lose what?", he asks.

"Gambling!", says Freddy, "Your clothes, even!"

"My clothes are lying there", says Kurt, pointing at them as Wanda walks in, looking down with a smirk, "…stop that"

"I can't even think of anything to say", she says.

"Then why are you running around naked?", asks Todd.

"Because she was hungry", says Kurt weakly.

"Who?", asks Forge

Amanda peeks her head out form a pile of blankets, chewing on an apple, standing next to Kurt, equally naked.

"Yey for nakedness!", she says,

"Amanda, my vife", says Kurt with a shrug.

Wanda quickly covers Todd's eyes, who growls, stalking after Kurt.

"I don't believe this!", he growls as Freddy and Forge hold him back.

"Oh, that must be Todd", grins Amanda, not bothered by her lack of clothing…at all, she smiles, looking around the group, "And you're Wanda, and Freddy, and Forge…I mean, Sir Forgeich von Lichtenstein, who's mother's father was.."

"Shillar von Rep", grins Kurt, nuzzling her.

"Kurt's told me all about you", grins Amanda, then offers her apple, "anyone like a bite?"

"Yeah", grins Todd, walking over, only to be dragged off by Freddy out of the door.

"Ummm..sorry to barge in on you", says Forge, "Mrs. Wagner…We'll leave you be…Night…"

"Night", grins Kurt as they leave, Todd hovering by the door.

"I though you was a prostitute", he says by way of apology to Amanda.

"…….Thanks", blinks Amanda.

"Get out!", shouts Kurt, Todd leaving.

"They seem much more fun than those boring old pilgrims you hung out with last year", says Amanda, blinking at Kurt, "What is it?"

Kurt smiles, giving her a kiss.

"Paradise, my dear", he says, "stands forth in your eyes"

"Oh, Kurt, come to bed", grins Amanda, dragging him down.

"…We'll leave you to it then", blinks Hank.

Outside, the rest of Team Forge are chuckling, stopping when they notice Dani and Storm waiting for them. Dani looks at Freddy's arm, where he's embroidering the phoenix design onto it.

"This is beautiful!", she says, then looks at the empty sleeve.

"Oh..I'm right handed", explains Freddy, "would you like to see some of my other embroidery?"

"Yeha, that's how ta get a date", snorts Todd

"Yes, smiles Dani, dragging him off.

"Oh Boy, yup, another weird pairing there", blinks Hank

"Umm, goodnight Todd, Goodnight Wanda", says Forge, as he and Storm wander off too.

Left alone with Wanda, Todd breaths on his hand, smelling his breath, then smoothes down his hair, giving her his best debonair smile, then offers his hand.

"Oh", Wanda looks in her bag, pulling out a pasty, putting it in his hand, then walks off.

"…NO love for the Toad", sighs Todd, then looks at his pasty, "hello beautiful"

He hops off to spend some time alone with his food.

**REALLY THE END THIS TIME**

**&&&&&**

And there we go. That wasn't all of them, only the ones I liked best. Weee, such fun! Do review. Thanks for reading!


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